Parenting advice you should ignore

By SIMONE MORGAN All Woman writer morgans@jamaicaobserver.com

Monday, February 06, 2012

AS soon as you get pregnant, they'll appear: the know-it-alls who will give you often unsolicited advice on how to raise your children.

It will be up to you to do the dissecting and decide what you should take and what you should discard. Because, true, friends, family and strangers can be sources of good and invaluable advice, but you should know too, that there are some things that are your decision to make, and yours only.

Counsellor David Anderson agrees that even if you and your partner are criticised by others, there is some parenting advice you should ignore.

These include:

1. Crazy superstitions. It is normal for parents to get advice from their grandparents regarding what should and should not be done throughout pregnancy and motherhood. However, these bits of advice can sometimes do more harm than good. Bush tea fed to a young child, for example, can do irreparable liver damage, and chopping a tree over your child's head will not cure an asthma attack at all — indeed, by the time you're done chopping, the child could be harmed from lack of proper medicine.

2. When to scold or slap your child. No one has the right to tell you when to scold or discipline your child. As parents, you are the ones who should administer the rewards and punishments to teach your children self-control and desirable social habits. Punishing your child because someone else tells you to can lead to your child resenting you, because he/she may believe that you value the other person's opinions more.

3. The need for harsh punishment. There are some parents who use and encourage harsh physical punishment and verbal abuse as a way to discipline children. The advice on these methods of discipline should be totally avoided, as while it may relieve a parent's frustration, holding your child's hand over a hot stove will not teach the child proper morals, and could land you in jail.

4. Unrealistic expectations. Never allow another parent, friend or family member to encourage you to set unrealistic expectations for your child/children. Remember, every child is different and will develop at a different pace. For instance, some babies will make their first steps at nine months while others start after their first birthdays. When these expectations are not met, this will only lead you to be frustrated or impatient with your child. So ensure that your expectations match what your kids are developmentally able or expected to be doing.

5. How to feed and clothe your children. There are those meddling mom friends and the caregivers who give too much advice as it relates to who you choose to let your kids socialise with or the type of clothing or nutrition you choose. For example, 29-year-old Alecia M says her neighbour, who is not employed in the medical field and whose child seems to be weighing less than ideal for her size, is always giving her advice about the type of food to give her kids. Alecia says she is often encouraged to "free up" her children to socialise and "run wild" with the other kids in the neighbourhood 24/7. When situations like these arise, it is best to memorise a standard response in order to stop the unwanted criticism and advice in their tracks. And follow your own mind when it comes to food. Rule of thumb: if it's cheap and popular, chances are it's bad for them.

6. That your child will grow out of it. Trust your instincts. If something seems wrong developmentally, see your doctor. If the harried doctor at the public hospital seems too busy, save for a specialist. There are many conditions that can be improved if caught early. Don't just accept that a child will grow out of bowed legs, crossed eyes, speech delays, or obvious social problems without consulting with an expert first.

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Parenting advice you should ignore