VIDEO: Want true happiness? don't get married; get divorced

By DONNA HUSSEY-WHYTE All Woman writer husseyd@jamaicaobserver.com

Monday, September 26, 2011

DON'T get married, and if you already are, seek a divorce immediately if you want to experience true happiness. That's advice coming from Courtney Kazembe, international lawyer and transformational coach, who is warning that marriage comes with too many pitfalls, and the unions are bound to end in messy divorces.

Using his years of experience in the field, Kazembe can say that marriage is "one of the ugliest institutions that human beings have invented".

"Invariably it leads to misery," the divorce lawyer told All Woman. "In fact, most of the misery in the world is a direct cause of marriage."

And so: "Do not get married, and if you're already married, get a divorce!"

Kazembe said in marriage one of five things always happens:

1. You eventually become brother and sister. "The best scenario is that after a while you become brother and sister and basically become just companions," he said. "So it becomes a dead relationship. The relationship becomes the same, day after day. You may still love each other but you love the person the same way you love your brother or sister. The sexual passion does not exist anymore."

2. You'll divorce. "The divorce rate is relatively high right now. It's about 60 per cent in most countries," he said.

3. You become resigned. "Some people, even though it is a bad situation, they become resigned to it," Kazembe said. "They just decide 'this is my fate and I am going to live a miserable life for the rest of my life'; 'I have children and there is nothing I can do'; 'I can't afford to be on my own'; 'I am going to stay and be resigned in the situation'."

4. The relationship becomes toxic. "It is so toxic that they are literally killing each other. They are not physically killing each other but they will die from the relationship sometimes psychologically and sometimes otherwise."

5. They literally kill each other. "The reality is that they sometimes physically kill each other. I have defended at least 10 people who were alleged to have killed their spouses. Around the world you would be surprised at how high the percentage is of homicides that are actually domestic related, where a domestic partner is actually responsible for their partner's death. In some countries it is as high as 30 per cent."

Kazembe said while all religions encourage marriage and are the cause of the existence of the institution of marriage, religion in itself is one of the fundamental problems of marriage.

"Religions have created institutions that benefit religion, just like politics creates institutions that benefit politics. Religions are not necessarily concerned about the individual and the individual's happiness, they are concerned about their own survival," the transformational coach said.

"When you marry, for example, you are growing the population and you are also growing the membership in that particular religion."

He added: "One of the biggest ways that religions, society and politics have caused human beings to feel guilty is around the question of sex. So because every human being is going to have sex and every human being is going to want to have sex, religion then decides that if we can control sex somehow and if we can tell them that if they have sex other than how we say they should have sex they will feel guilty, then out of that guilt we can enslave them for the rest of their lives, and that is precisely what the institution of marriage has done," he said.

"That is why in every religion you will find written in it some control of sex and some suggestion of marriage. They will talk about fornication, they will talk about adultery, they will talk about stoning you to death, they will talk about killing you, they will talk about you going to hell if you have sex with somebody other than whom the religion says you should have sex with..."

He thus encourages persons to love as often and as many persons as they can without being conformed to the dictates of a marriage contract.

Because, he said, after a year of marriage or a short period of time, love inevitably goes and persons are often left feeling they should not break the contract -- and misery sets in.

"The myth that religion and society puts out is that true love is eternal and that true love should last forever, and that true love never dies. That is absolute nonsense!" Kazembe said. "In fact, it is the opposite. It is unreal love that lives forever. It is false love that lives forever. It is false love that never dies. Real love is dynamic, real love changes, it's like nature, it's like spring. It goes through the seasons and times, it moves and it changes."

He said marriages that last for a long time are the result of persons growing to accept each other as brothers and sisters without the passion, becoming simple companions that may share bed or meals together.

"Real love cannot last," Kazembe said. "Of course you can decide that you have real love for a year or months or for a period of time and then you can spend the rest of your life working on what's not there. And you can be working on your relationship. You ever notice how people are always talking about 'working' on their relationships?" he asked. "Real love cannot last."

Kazembe, who is single, is the author of The Gift Of Love, Volume 1, What Is Love? and Authentic Power: Principles, Strategies & Tools For Achieving Full Human Potential. He has been called to the bar in Jamaica, Canada, United states and Barbados and does mainly multi-jurisdictional work including divorce.

[ video link for mobile viewing ]

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VIDEO: Want true happiness? don't get married; get divorced