What if your spouse is not your type?

Jacqueline CHAMPIER

Monday, December 19, 2011

HAVE you ever noticed that when it comes to mate selection, most persons have their preferred types? If you didn't notice, look back at the persons who you have dated or those who you have admired over the years and see if they have similar characteristics. If they do, I would not be surprised.

If you are still not convinced, take your male friends, for instance. You will notice that while some of them admire only curvaceous black women, there are those who would die for the thin browning. A male friend once told me that if a woman doesn't weigh over 200 pounds he is not interested. Yet I have other friends who only go for the pencil-thin, high maintenance Barbie doll types.

I have always encouraged people though, that when choosing their mates, they should select persons from their preferred groups, because to do otherwise could spell trouble. Although love goes deeper than skin, if you overlook your preference, for whatever reason, and choose a type that doesn't suit your fantasy, sooner or later you will find that you are miserable, since your spouse is not your type.

The type issue does not only affect men, it affects women also. There are so many women whose husbands have turned into couch potatoes, yet these men refuse to get rid of their paunches, although they know that they would not stand a chance if their mates had met them that way. I guess men get away with this because some women are not so fussy about the physical. And since women are naturally caring, they will still love and respect their mates regardless of the change in type. Where I see a bigger problem though, is when this happens the other way around. For example, when the man marries a thinner version of you but after a few years he is forced to live with your fluffier version, which is just not his type. This can pose a challenge.

It matters not if the change is caused by baby fat, slower metabolism, ageing or ill-health, the realty is still the same: you are no longer his type. If, for instance, you are no longer his type just because you have gained some pounds in the wrong places, you can do one of two things: either you turn a blind eye and tell him to accept you for who you are and live with the consequences, or you can shed a few pounds.

Remember that it is not only the weight issue that will cause a change in type; it can be a change in your demeanour, spirituality, interests, or just your overall world views. Whatever it is, communicate with each other about the change and make adjustments where necessary. Remember also that this type thing is not a simple matter, for some people it is a very serious thing.

Jacqueline Champier is a counselling psychologist from Mandeville.

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COMMENTS (6)

stanley buffett
12/28/2011

ms coral you said it all these people are confused people change not because of choice but unforseen things that one didn`t expect illness one of them age one never know

Ms. Coral
12/22/2011

Ruel, I understand your point. But the article specifically spoke about mutable things such as weight, demeanor, spirituality, interests, and world views. The writer even wrote about making "adjustments where necessary." Thus, the thrust of article is clear. The things enumerated are all subject to change once you live on Earth and intermingle with its people. Even the dead change from flesh to dust. Lastly, it is narcissistic if you are too self centered to see beyond your own desires.

Ruel Saunders
12/22/2011

You guys are getting it all wrong. The type issue that is at hand can be a sign of being too pickey, I agree, but not necessarily. 2nd, individuals having a preference is not wrong. Despite what you say, you made a calculated choice to marry whoever based on some preference. Type does not only refer to looks, though that was the highest point brought out in the article, however it is an indivuduals choice, its not a sin. It is not narcissistic its more like a warning to pic from your preference.

Ms. Coral
12/21/2011

Susan H, people are too self-centered now-a-days. This "counselling psychologist from Mandeville" should better. People mature and grow. My husband and I are young; but I do not expect him to remain exactly the same as we age. We have committed to living our lives together and life involves change. I should hope that my husband becomes more spiritual; I should hope that his tastes will evolve. Who wants to be married to a one dimensional boring person who stays the same up to death?

Susan H.
12/21/2011

Good points Ms. Coral!

Ms. Coral
12/20/2011

This is such a narcissistic article. What if you are married to a person who ended up losing a limb during the marriage? Do I swap him out? What about health changes such as hypertension that may occur? So, if I am not the 'type' to care for a sick man, do I dump him or insist he finds the cure? What if I am the 'type' who wants a rich man and his finances changed? Do I dump him or work him to death? I should hope couples realize that their spouses are more than flesh; they have feelings too.

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What if your spouse is not your type?