Step-parent stories

Monday, March 15, 2010

THE story of the wicked stepmother is one as old as time, and many women have to fight the stigma when they seriously date or marry men who already have children. Stepfathers have got a bad rap too, and too often the bad stories outweigh the good ones, leaving step-parents getting the short end of the acceptance stick.

Getting children to accept that they will have to make room for a second mom or dad may be difficult. It may be worse when the biological parents part ways on less than amicable terms, or when there are still unresolved parenting or support issues.

Paediatrician Dr Judith Tracey-Moodie says both the child and the step-parent will have to adjust to the new relationship. However, she noted that much older children may find it more difficult to adapt.

"I don't think the step-parent should be foisted upon the child," she said. "They should allow them to develop a relationship with them and if they are being rebellious against the person, I think the parent should understand and the step-parent should understand as well and not take it personal. Chances are it is not personal, it's just that it is a new person," she explained.

In cases where the ex-wife or ex-husband speaks negatively about the step-parent, this is behaviour the paediatrician condemns.

"It traumatises the child more than anything else and it doesn't really help the cause," Dr Tracey-Moodie said. "You should never use your children to fight your battles -- no matter how much you think it might help. You should keep them out of it because they are going to have their problems dealing with the new person," she added.

It is always important that the biological father or mother gradually allow their child to become acquainted with their step-parent and their half-siblings, if any. They should also make themselves available to address any concern their children might have in dealing with their step-parent.

"If there has been nobody in that child's life, in terms of a father being there and then a father comes in, that child might be more welcoming, especially if there has been years between the split and that new person coming in," the paediatrician said.

And while she believes that a step-parent should also be able to impose sanctions on their stepchildren, she cautions that they should leave the flogging of the child up to the biological parent to create less animosity.

While the Cinderella story makes the concept of a good stepmother hard to accept, Dr Tracey-Moodie says children who have a good relationship with their step-parents will not have a problem accepting them.

"If a child is having a relationship with their step-parent and the relationship is wholesome and happy, it really doesn't matter what the story is saying," she said.

-- Nadine Wilson

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COMMENTS (2)

Ms. Lee B.
3/23/2010

Yes, I believe that step-parents can indeed be very good. In our modern society many persons have had previous relationships that produced children; it is highly likely that we will become or will know someone who is a step-parent.
I can say with great certainty that many times the child is too scared to know what to think or how to behave. I have found that recalcitrant behavior from the step-child/ren may often be because of information/behavior exhibited by a resentful or uninformed parent. Sometimes the guilty biological parent is living with the step-parent and he/she may have unwittingly given the child too much freedom and ammunition to use against the step-parent. (This may be the case when one parent has died).
The important thing to note is that as the step-parent you have the responsibility of taking care of this child/ren and loving him or her as you would love your own child.

Sharon Peart-Rose
3/19/2010

I grew up with my stepdad and he was the best. Growing up with my stepdad completely prepared me for being a step-parent myself. Step-parents should remember that children can love them too and in the cases where the relationship between the step-parent & the child is good, the child usually considers themself to have two Moms or two Dads. Children need all the love an extended family can bring and being a step-parent or stepchild [I am both] allows so many more people to come into the family & provide love & support.

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Step-parent stories