Be open with children about sex, says therapist

BY TANESHA MUNDLE Observer staff reporter mundlet@jamaicaobserver.com

Thursday, February 16, 2012

A popular sex therapist and psychologist yesterday issued a call for parents to be more open with their children about sex and to start the discussion from an early age.

According to Dr Karen Carpenter, if young people were more informed about sex, then their fascination with and their desire to engage in the act would be less than it is today.

Additionally, she said that it was important for them to be taught about sex as it is at the bottom of the pyramid of man's basic need.

"It is strange that we make sex something unnatural as we get older and if we are, in fact, to change the world one child at a time, then we have to examine how it is that we are helping children to shape their ideas about sex and sexuality and why is it we made it a contraband," said Dr Carpenter.

"Ganja will not attract the same price if we legalise it now, neither will cocaine or any other drug, and sex will not sell at the price that it sells now if we take away some of those barriers and begin to legalise the sex act," she said while addressing the weekly luncheon meeting of the Kiwanis Club of Kingston as its guest speaker. The luncheon was held at the Wyndham Hotel in Kingston.

Dr Carpenter urged parents and adults to start speaking with their children about sex as soon as the child starts to enquire.

"Keep it simple and just answer the question. The child is not asking you to demonstrate or to do something bizarre," she said.

Using her own personal example, Dr Carpenter said that she was shopping in the supermarket with her daughter who was about 11 or 12 when she surprised her with a question about what is oral sex.

"I froze," she said.

However, Dr Carpenter said after she recollected, she told her daughter exactly what oral sex was, as it was a new concept for her which she probably heard at school and wanted to know about.

Similarly, she said that she also gave her children condom lessons which they had to do together as it was something that they have to learn to do with a partner later on in life. This, Dr Carpenter said, helps them to learn control and to get it on, in order to play it safe.

"I want to encourage you to be open and frank with your children about sex so that they can enjoy it and so that they don't have to come and see me when they have built up all these inhibitions and can't function within their unit," she said.

Dr Carpenter, in responding to a question about the reason why children were not being taught about the physiological and social impact of the sex act, said that organised religion was to be partly blamed for trying to control sex and added to a belief system that sex education was not a polite conversation.

However, she said that despite the attempts to downplay the importance of early sex education, research has shown that young people who are taught about sex early and are taught a lot about sex, delayed the sex act longer than young people who thought it taboo and are trying to explore then end up in trouble because they were clueless.

The outspoken psychologist, in keeping with the theme of Valentine's Day which was celebrated on Tuesday, encouraged persons in relationships to first determine the type of love relationship that they were having with their partners so that they will be aware of what is missing and what is needed to improve the relationship.

Dr Carpenter listed the different types as consummate love relations — a love that consumed and involves commitment, intimacy and passion; infatuation — a relationship in which persons are committed to passion; romantic relationships that are normally short-term affairs and, too, intimacy and passion; and friendship, which involves intimacy and commitment.

Of the four she said consummate love relationship is the healthiest, and encouraged persons to strive to achieve all the elements that consummate such a relationship.

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Be open with children about sex, says therapist