Living a lie

MSMs use women to cover up their sexuality

Monday, April 26, 2010

He is a 42-year-old bisexual man. He lives at home with his wife, the mother of his two children. She does not know he is also having sex with men.

During his 14-year-old relationship with his wife, he has had two different 'steady' relationships with males that lasted three and five years respectively. In the latter case, he went to his partner's house. In the other they would have to find other places ... car, brothel, and gay friends' houses.

He has never used condoms with his wife -- that is the way they have negotiated their relationship over the years.

"I would feel a bit cute to introduce condoms at this stage in our relationship," he said.

In the early days with men he said he periodically used condoms, but with the advent of HIV, he has started to use condoms with his male partners.

"It is not always easy. Sometimes I do not have condoms because I cannot carry condoms home in my pocket or wallet or bag. My children always search my bag for sweets and money.

"I recall one time my male partner and I started to have sex without a condom but stopped. After that, I went to do a test. I tested negative and have not gone to another man without a condom," he said.

He said he has no fear about his wife having sex with another man and giving HIV to him. Fatalistic as it is, if he is to get HIV, he would prefer to get it from her than from a man.

He said he wished he could tell his wife about the other side of his life but is fearful that she will be devastated. He loves her. He does not want others to know. He loves his children and does not want to lose them. All his male partners know about his wife and have had to respect that. He would also like to live with a man but cannot decide how he could live with both a man and woman.

"Sometimes my mind is overloaded and weighed down hard, but I take it one day at a time. I never made myself this way. If I did, I would change it. It's not easy," he said.

John Ward, a successful business owner, said he knew he was attracted to men from his early preteens, but got married for legal sex as he grew up in the Pentecostal church.

"As a teenager, I tried to conform, but it was very confusing and painful, not only for me but for the girls I dated. I wasn't seen as macho enough -- it was fine being friends with them but not anything else," he explained.

Ward, who is now divorced, explained that he was attracted to and still finds his ex-wife very attractive, but the marriage didn't work as he found he still wanted to have sex with men. Their sexual relationship was very good and she knew before they got married that he had interest in men.

"When I discussed it with her, she said I should choose. I found that I was even attracted to men who were her friends and spoke to her about it, but she kept saying I needed to choose," he said.

"I remember at one point she told me to make sure I used condoms when I am with my male partners. I think at that point she had started to accept. We still maintain a relationship. We are still friends," he explained.

Ward noted that the challenge was that his ex-wife couldn't understand why she was not enough and "that was unhelpful".

As it relates to condoms, he explained that he never planned to be unfaithful to his wife and so was not prepared for the times he did.

"I did use condoms a few times, but never really found them enjoyable with my wife and definitely with the outside partners I never planned these encounters. I just yielded to temptation and then swore it would never happen again," Ward said.

Currently, Ward is not in a steady relationship and so far he continues to test negative for HIV.

You can send your questions or comments relating to HIV or related issues to info@eveforlife.org or write to Eve for Life, C/O Jamaica Observer.

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COMMENTS (9)

4/27/2010

In reference to this piece about gay men in heterosexual marriages this article on 'situational heterosexuality' can shed some further light on what is really happening.
‘Situational heterosexual’ is a term I’ve used for several years to describe myself when people have asked how I could have been married for so many years and yet be gay. This term has also helped people gain a clearer understanding of what really happens when someone who is homosexual marries someone of the opposite sex and claims change. Confusion about what really happens in these situations still exists and often wrongly reinforces the ‘homosexuality is a choice’ and ‘homosexuals can change’ concepts.
How often have you heard someone say something like this ‘They couldn’t be gay, they’re married’ assuming that having a wife by your side and produced children means a person must be straight. read rest of article here http://alifeofunlearning.blogspot.com/2010/04/most-misunderstood-concept-in-ex-gay.html

Verna Kitson
4/26/2010

Aren't you tired of running this same fallacious story of blaming HIV/AIDS on bisexual men, and letting straight men believe that they are somehow immune to the disease? In one feld swoop, you manage to stereotype an entire group of men with this kind of coverage. Men who have sex with men don't necessary have relationships with women you know. The category is diffuse enough that you should have figured this out by now.

anthony james
4/26/2010

very sad story, but at least they feel comfortable telling their stories so that other women can read them. Who am i to judge these persons? But they definatley place the women in their lives and other people's life at risk. you cant have both misters. either you stay with men or women!

4/26/2010

Dino M.
I cant quite fathom how a man can be sexually attracted to another man. It's not in creation and we were not wired this way. The Devil has now placed its grip on man trying to prevent multipying so man can just die out. We already see that men are short and those who are not dead, are either in prison or gay. God made man for woman and it should be no other way about that. These ppl are really sick and they disgust me.

tina chambers
4/26/2010

sad story indeed...this guy is nasty...it is either your wife or the men..u cannot have your cake and eat it ...something got to give...i put myself in the wife position nasty!!! nasty!!!

Paul Lewis
4/26/2010

These situations cannot be blamed on hatred of Gays or anti-buggery Laws....these are liars, plain and simple. These are examples of situations that only fuel anti-Gay sentiments and outrage. The acceptance of who you are is fundamental in any attempt at Human Development...but to involve another person in your attempt at coverup, can be devastating. To selfishly get an unsuspecting woman into an emotional attachment...when you know a man is who you really desire, can be mentally and physically harmful. I personally dont believe in bisexuality...you are either one or the other... this is not a buffet, where you can sample everything, before you decide what suits your fancy. Having seen what this can do to the ones that have been deceived...it is imperative that Gay people refrain from this practice. I can only imagine if after years together and children...my wife were to tell me she is Gay...I know my reaction would not be pretty.

mark jones
4/26/2010

Two sick stories......thats why married women should not think themselves immune to contracting HIV......we've all heard the stories of these sick warped kinds of behavioural tendencies by bisexual men.
If you all want to play sword fight amongst your selves feel free but leave the poor women and kids out of it.

awha dis
4/26/2010

that's why it is important to let these people live their lives in peace. end the hostility, criminalization and the fear so that they can feel free to be with each other and not feel obligated or pressured to marry straight people just to keep up a front to please the rest of us.

george watson
4/26/2010

What sad stories, the first one moreso than the second. At least in the latter case the wife knew what she was getting into and felt that she could change the man.
Imagine in the former case, EVERYTHING, AS THE HEADLINE SAYS, IS BUILT ON A LIE.
What a devastation it will be for the family when they find out, as indeed they will.
Imagine a husband and father whom they have always looked up to, being found to be involved in something like that? SAD, SAD, SAD.

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Living a lie