'My choice was taken away from me'

Motherhood and positive women

BY PATRICIA WATSON

Sunday, March 07, 2010

SHE was 21 years old and on contraceptives, as she did not want to have another child. She already had two young children, aged two and three years old. But on a routine visit to the clinic, she was told she was pregnant.

"I was very shocked because I was on family planning, but the nurse said the pills were not 100 per cent," said Carmen.

Three months later, following routine blood tests for women who are pregnant, Carmen was called to come to the clinic urgently.

"When I went to the nurse she told me I was HIV-positive," she said. "I just broke down and cried. When I left the clinic I just walked and walked all day. I was just spaced out; I didn't know what to do. What would happen to my baby now."

One morning, about two months later, Carmen said she her son came to her for breakfast and as she was getting out of bed, she fell and was taken to the hospital.

"I was admitted and was there for a whole week when they told me the baby had died," she recounted. "I was there all this time and they didn't do anything until my mother came to the hospital and asked them why they didn't take out the baby. The nurse said the treatment I was supposed to get was not available.

"After the wash out, the same nurse came to me with a paper and said I need to sign a paper for them to tie me off. I started to cry and said to her I was still young and maybe later I would want to have a child. What would I do then? The nurse told me that people like me who have HIV should not have children and not have sex.

"She said 'this is the end of the road for you. A lot of people who have it don't even live for three years'. I was so frightened and then I started asking God why, why me?" said Carmen.

"I took the paper and signed it because I didn't know what else to do. There was nobody for me to talk to. I had nobody to advise me and all I could hear was the nurse's voice in my head telling me it was the end of the road. I never forget the words to this day because I can still hear the words over and over in my head," she recalled.

"I remember when I got home I felt so bad about myself and the words of the nurse -- 'it is the end of the road' -- that I took the whole bottle of pills I got for pain. I just tell myself I don't have anything to live for," she explained.

Carmen survived the suicide attempt, but her relationship with her children's father deteriorated and he eventually left her with the two young children. She had no job at the time and recalled getting pumpkins from her neighbour which she crushed with butter for the children to eat. She began losing weight and was hospitalised for a while in 2004.

"I remember the doctor told me I was a walking dead," she said. "Since then, things have been going downhill. If I pick up today, tomorrow I am down again."

To complicate her own emotional pain, she said her children's father took the two remaining children from her, blaming her for the virus she has been living with. She has since learnt that he knew he was HIV-positive since he was 15 years old.

"He took me to court and his big sister told the court that I can't take care of the kids and that I didn't have any good family background. I did not have any family support in court because I had no one but my mother and she did not come. My family say they don't want to have anything to do with me because of the HIV.

"He not only took the kids when he left, but all the clothes I had for myself and $150,000. I had to start all over again," Carmen said.

The children are now living with their father's relatives in rural Jamaica. She has not seen them for four years and she said it has been very hard for her.

"I can't have any more children, because my choice was taken away from me," she said. "No one asked me if I want to tie off. I was just told to do it and I believed I had to because I didn't know enough about HIV. I believed the nurse that it was the end and that that was what happened to every woman who is HIV-positive.

"I am now alone trying to survive this sickness as best I can. But I wish I could have my children back."

Next week, we will look at the prevention of mother-to-child transmission of HIV programme and some interesting trends that have been taking place regarding child-bearing among positive women.

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'My choice was taken away from me'