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Travel Etiquette Etiquette Travel

Sunday, June 25, 2017

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Travelling is a fundamentally unpleasant and bizarre concept. There are few things stranger than plummeting through space in a highly pressurised vehicle while in closer proximity to other humans than would ever otherwise be acceptable. Here is SO 's list of things we can all do to ease the general misery that is catapulting through the atmosphere in a space vehicle.

Travel Wear — Pro Leggings, Anti Shorts

Eschew all notions of travel snobbery here. We're certainly not pushing formal wear to board a flight, but we are ardent in our belief that as much of one's skin be covered for sanitation's sake. This is as much about you getting a rare skin disease as it is about you spawning your personal bacteria into the travel arena. Let's all just make a mutual agreement to keep this as clean as possible!

No shorts. It is just plain unhygienic. Your skin is rubbing against seat fabric that has rubbed against countless other people. It's a two-way exchange of nasty, swapping your own sweat for the bacteria of millions of other travellers. Alas, there is no lavender-scented hand sanitiser that can accommodate that.

No slippers. Once again, this is more about sanitation than it is about propriety. No one wants exposed toe skin in a small pressurised cabin area.

Leggings are welcome. United Airlines attracted accusations of sexism when it barred two women from boarding a flight for wearing leggings. The company policy requires that those who are dependents of employees, travelling free of charge or at a discount must be “well-groomed, neat, clean and in good taste”. My lululemons are the epitome of good taste, thank you very much!

Boarding

Only homicidal maniacs don't wait until their group number is announced. Those who dither around the edges from when group 1 is called when they are very much in group 5 deserve to have their headphones confiscated for the duration of the flight.

Checking In

Be polite to the person who checks you in. There is nothing more infuriating than the traveller who is rude to airline staff. Yes, we know that the stewardess is going to give you attitude, but if you were working in her position you would probably be doing the same thing. Order your white wine and say thank you nicely.

Neighbourly relations

If SO happens to be in seat 6A and you are in 6B, please know that nothing more than a hello is necessary. No further conversation is required. The only exception to this rule is if you are flying next to Mitzy and it is her first time flying and she wants to tell you that she's visiting her son. Then you absolutely must engage in conversation and ease her anxieties by asking her the last time she saw her son, and so on.

Once Seated...

and you have the window seat and need a bathroom break, do allow the passenger seated at the aisle to get up! Do not climb over.

Carry-On Luggage

If you cannot lift your own bag #toobad... #nobodycares

Pen to fill out Immigration/Custom Form

No, you cannot borrow mine!

Strong-smelling substances

Do not bring your box lunch to the aisle seat. Yes, we're jealous.

Kids

Baby Benadryl is encouraged. That is all.

Clapping when the plane lands

Clapping is viewed favourably. There is no sound sweeter than landing in Jamaica to the collective applause of an entire aircraft.

Deboarding

Those who are coming from rows further back but won't let you into the aisle traffic also deserve to have their headphones confiscated!

Travelling is truly horrific, no matter how many frequent flier miles you rack up. Let us all do our part to make this experience as bearable as possible. Bon voyage!

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