To quote a line from Buju Banton’s song Champion…”Woman is the greatest thing God ever put pon di land”. For real, this is no lie; Buju knew what he was talking about. In all of God’s creations, woman is the best. Ladies reading this article please give yourself a hearty hand clap and men if you love and respect women, clap them too.

A woman is the only member of the specie that can produce a baby, and sometimes even knowingly give it to the wrong man and get him to accept it. A woman can make a man eat and she hasn’t even cooked. Every time I see the trailer for the movie Transformers I feel accomplished, because I was probably the muse for that screenplay’s formulation. When I get home from partying, after I remove the make up, the push up bra, the body snatcher (girdle), the false nails, false lashes, false hair, figure giving clothes…I am a whole other woman. My face resembles an unspread bed and gravity takes the breasts and gluteus maximus to their correct positions, while my belly breathes a HUGE sigh of relief. Beat that if you can Mr Megatron!

I tell my male friends, don’t think you know a woman you’ve met at night. Take her address and drive up suddenly on her one day when she least expects it, only then you will see who or what you truly met. Only a woman can look completely different wearing the exact same suit of clothes, with just a simple change of accessories and a change of hairstyle.

A woman will go into denial so much about her age, weight and shoe/dress size that even she forgets what it actually is. We will voluntarily be uncomfortable for fashion and style. I have and I’ve seen many of my female counterparts do the ‘walk and camber’ after standing for hours at a party in high heels. But if a camera comes on suddenly, will straighten up in an instant and step as lithe and lively as if we’re wearing loafers. Some women, like myself, will ‘bruk out’ in a dance for free, but if you offer us a work in a go-go club… fight ‘bruk’ instantly! How dare you!!

Only a woman will admit to “never having done that before”, male ego prevents them. Even though nine times out of ten, we have done it and more. It’s just how we were raised. Speaking of which, I like when ladies say “my mother never raised me this way.” Are their mothers out there teaching their girls how to do unspeakable things with their bodies? I haven’t met one yet, so the phrase, if you ask me, is a little played out.

The skills exhibited when a woman goes to a public restroom, could be used in the training manual of top secret agents . The furtive peering under doors and around corners when all that time the need to go is causing your eyes to cross. If the coast is not fully clear, she will fix her make up and buy time until the last person leaves, bump all start break out on the face the way the waste matter wants to escape. Then the entry and the careful positioning of the tissue to line the seat. The balancing act that ensues and how quickly the act can be terminated if another human body even hints at entering the restroom. It is a natural act, just do it and be done, lawks!! Not me, I declare from early, “Clear the room,” who can stand it stay, all who smart leave.

As for the bathroom buddy system — like US army no one gets left behind. We like to travel in packs, even on a date.

Women are the only sex that will invite a friend along as security guard when a man asks her out on a date. It sweet me sometimes when I see the look on the faces of the men. You can actually see him mentally configuring how and where the money is going to stretch to finance the added company.

But we are who we are… a force to be reckoned with, so stand tall ladies. Have a great weekend and remember the best thing you can do for your face is to smile. elvachatalot@yahoo.com @ElvaJamaica on Twitter