MAKE no bones about it, hypocrites are everywhere, but Jamaica seems to have an overabundance of the worse kinds, known globally as serial hypocrites. Like snakes, their venoms can be deadly. Still, they move around the corridors of power and among the common man with as many heads as they can carry, and in the weirdest of circumstances they know how to “defend their defence”. For while they purport to be helplessly in love with, and hopelessly devoted to being drum majors for transparency, honesty and uprightness and pretend to be deeply offended by the mildest forms of shenanigans or unfairness, they are the same ones who give support to the very things they openly detest.

The truth is, too many of them willingly sacrifice good principles on the altar of partisan politics; and too few ever engage the brain in thoughtful or honest contemplation ahead of a particular action. So prevalent are serial hypocrites in Jamaica that if a market existed the country could raise enough revenues to pay down the $1.6-trillion national debt with enough remaining to close the fiscal deficit, and without exaggeration, still have surpluses to buy every man, woman and child a spanking new computer.

But, before anyone accuses me of transplanting my adopted North American perspectives on the rest of the country, I hasten to say that long before US Congressman Ron Paul popularised the term, in describing former US House Speaker, Newt Gingrich’s “flip-flopping” behaviour, Mrs Lacker, my sixth-form history teacher at St Mary High School, employed it with fiery frequency. She used the term lavishly to depict historians who she insisted were shiftingly dishonest in propagating the falsehood that Christopher Columbus discovered Jamaica, and who she claimed were always changing their hypotheses to suit their Eurocentric views and imperialistic inclinations.

Normally, “serial hypocrite” describes people who change their principled positions to fit a particular socio-economic, cultural or political zeitgeist; with hopes that their latest position will be perceived as if it were their original position. For instance, they are fiscal conservatives when conservatism suits them, but will conveniently become progressive liberals when progressivism is in vogue. In other words, serial hypocrites are kings and queens of flip-flopping. In Jamaica, however, serial hypocrites are not just mere flip-floppers; they are far more sophisticated and skilful. You know how we are already; we always go the extra mile to prove our bona fides, no matter what. And so, Jamaican-style serial hypocrites concoct all sorts of justifications to validate their positions, however scandalous.

There are so many examples to enumerate, but space would not allow. However, of those that come to mind, I could not resist mentioning the hypocrisy with which some of them talk about sexuality, human rights, corruption, politics and marijuana. Most Jamaican men, for instance, would never admit to engaging in cunnilingus or having homosexual tendencies, even though both practices are more common among Jamaican men than they would ever admit. These men would swear on their mothers’ graves, if it comes down to it, that “mi nah bow” or “mi nah play number-two”. Yet, when caught in the act, fright alone would either choke the devil out of them, or paralyse them bending over.

And while everyone has a right to practise whatever sexual activity they wish with their partner, if they are so uptight or “down-slack”, about performing certain sexual acts, they should just keep quiet. Period. And in the case of heterosexual women, annoyed as they often are about the throaty denials from their men, they usually excuse the hypocrisy by manufacturing another double standard to justify the denials they call cultural mores. Even so, others just lay back and enjoy the delightful treat, knowing full well that their men bow far more often than a million “bow-bow-bow Belindas” combined. Then there is the hypocrisy surrounding human rights and homosexuality. On the one hand, serial hypocrites talk about “equal rights and justice for all”, but on the other hand, they want limited equality for some because of their sexual preference and sadly, the new “Jamaican Charter of Rights” has given credence to this, as though the Jamaican state is a modern-day version of George Orwell’s Animal Farm.

People quarrel ad nauseam about police excesses and about wanting more civil liberties, but they openly celebrate police abuse when it is perpetuated on someone other than a close relative or friend whom they presume to be guilty. People claim to oppose homosexuality, but would “pop dem neck” to watch two men “carrying-on” in the privacy of their homes. Worse yet, they also say they don’t mind lesbians, but use the oft-repeated mantra that “Jamaica is a Christian country and we cannot tolerate dem things deh”, to condemn homos and to validate their opposition. Besides being laughable, it smacks of hypocrisy because Jamaica’s staunch Christian values have not prevented many of its citizens from murdering children, from raping old women, from molesting young boys, from robbing or maiming people, or from destroying other people’s properties and lives.

With all that said, the crown is reserved for those serial hypocrites who pretend to dislike corruption only when it is comes from a certain political party or government. Take the recent imbroglio surrounding the damning findings of both the auditor and contractor general departments into the mismanagement of the US$400-million Jamaica Development Infrastructure Programme as an example. Serial hypocrites are doing damage control for, and on behalf of the JLP government by unfairly comparing JDIP to the Trafigura $31-million alleged donation to the PNP, as if both are similar. They know full well that both situations are substantially different and are as dissimilar as day is from night, but leave it up to a serial hypocrite to try to convince everybody else that “two wrongs make a right”. Therefore, it is worth the effort to strike against a serial hypocrite.

Burnscg@aol.com