This is the state of man: he puts forth

The tender leaves of hope; tomorrow blossoms,

And bears his blushing honours thick upon him;

The third day comes a frost, a killing frost,

And when he thinks, good, easy man, full surely

His greatness is a-ripening, nips his root,

And then he falls, as I do.

— Henry VIII, 111,2

THAT poor man was lamenting on his hopes and dreams and his ultimate failure to achieve them, one could say his unfulfilled resolutions. So often we put forth the tender leaves of hope, the blossoming of tomorrow, only to be brought back down to earth as those hopes are dashed, never to materialise.

That’s the stuff that new year resolutions are made of, people pinning their hopes on the flipping of a calendar from one day to the next, hoping that with the ending of an old year and the beginning of a new one, they will drastically change their lives. So when they went to bed last night and dreamt of their resolutions, they would wake up this morning and be magically transformed. Oh to sleep, perchance to dream.

It just does not happen that easily, as any change that we wish to effect on ourselves should be done at any time, and not just at the dawn of a new year. Why not make a daily resolution? But still, people make resolutions on this New Year’s day in the hope that they will drastically change their lives.

I will not get into the general view of new year resolutions, but instead will be specific, as I deal with how people renegotiate their romance. But oh, how remiss of me, let me wish you all a happy new year and success on this very special day. I’ll get into renegotiating romance right after these letters.

Mr Robinson,

I share your thoughts on the lack of knowledge in young people. It’s amazing the simple things and places I would mention to people and they don’t have a clue. These are everyday names and places or things that I come across on a daily basis, and when I mention them in conversation, it’s like I’m talking of things from another planet. I find it simply frustrating.

“The foundation of every state is the education of its youth.” — Diogenes.

Sylvia

Hey Teerob,

Loved your article that dealt with the appeal of older women. As an older woman myself, I can relate to it. But you did not expand on a very crucial area, that of the heightened sexuality and superior performance of the older woman. Yes Tony, we are better in the sack, and that’s a fact.

Anne

Tony,

I am now a believer, a convert, a new disciple of the older woman after playing the field with a host of young giddy-headed girls. I am 33 and my lady is 47, and what a lady she is too. I don’t know what the future will bring, but my eyes have been opened to a new experience. What’s important is that we talk, which certainly did not happen with the young girls. Thank you for shedding light on this subject.

Jesse

So it’s a new year and a time that usually heralds a new and different era in people’s lives. Folks have a habit of reflecting on how they used to be over the past 365 days, and then swear that come hell or high water, they are going to change and improve for the new year.

“Rain or shine, thunder or lightning, I am going to do things differently this year and improve my lot.” What they fail to realise is that they’ve been repeating the same tired phrase every year for the past 10 years, but nothing has changed.

One of the most important things in a person’s life is romance. Oh yes, everybody wants somebody to call their own, especially women who have this great need to be possessed, to have somebody to call, “My man.” But even men feel this way too, although they will hide and mask their feelings about romance. Deep down, they want someone special, and even when they have a little dalliance or two on the side, they still want someone to call their own, that special person to go home to.

When I listen to those call-in advice shows or read the columns I am amazed at how sensitive our Jamaican men are as they cry out for loving, belonging, and how they grieve over lost love. So since it was the season of pollsters, I conducted my own poll, but this time from people who I suspected were romantics. That’s right, you have your political pollsters and your romantic pollsters as well, and I fall in the latter category, and guess what, I’m sure mine was more fun.

It seems as if romance is the area where people take the whole notion of resolutions most seriously, especially those who seem condemned to a history of heartbreak, hurt and pain. “I swear blind, this is a new year, 2012, and my heart will not be broken again by any man,” said this anguished young Miss. Her resolution was to stop being so ‘easy’ when it came to men, as for some reason, they tend to lose interest very quickly afterwards and move on.

She was of the opinion that all that men wanted was sex, and even showed me an article that corroborated that notion. “Ladies, use what you have, give it to him as often as you can and no man will resist,” was the first line from the article. So by her logic, backed up by the ladies’ magazine, if she gave men all the sex that they needed, then they would want her forever.

Studies have shown otherwise, as although sex is very important to a man, it does not appear at the top of the list of his priorities when he is seeking a mate. If that was the case, men would only marry prostitutes or loose women and the sexiest women would get the best men… who would never leave them. But we know that is far from the truth.

So this young lady took stock of her sorry state of affairs, or rather, the sorry state of her affairs, and resolved that no more would she be an easy conquest. She would no longer be the lay of the land.

That is her romantic renegotiation for this year. But she plans to do a balancing act between her past ease of giving in to men and being hard to get, so she showed me yet another article with the following headline: ‘You got to keep them wanting: Oh boy, these women’s magazines and their advice to the gullible. But if you really think about it, if the man really cares about you, he will wait.

I spoke to a ‘professional mistress’ who swore on this day that she would never be another man’s mistress again. They say that prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, but I’ll hazard a guess that the game of the professional mistress is the world’s second oldest romantic pastime. And it may cost more too.

Yes my friends, there are women who will always be a mistress but never a bride, and they don’t realise until it’s far too late and they’re up in years, over the hill, down in the valley, and they’re used goods with plenty of mileage under the hood. This lady was so exasperated as she told me her story of falling in love with this married man when she was 18 years old and her life was altered ever since.

“He was like a drug that I could not get enough of, so tender and gentle, and even though I knew he would never leave his wife, I still loved him.” As a result, when that romance ended, she found herself drawn into yet another relationship with a married man.

The die was cast, and in the same way people get hooked on cigarettes, alcohol or gambling, she was trapped. I guess it’s akin to a conditioned reflex, where, as a married man says hi to her, she starts to salivate. And so the cycle continued. But as she grew older, the hurt and pain became too much to bear, so at age 45, she renegotiated her romance to never again be another man’s mistress. One of these ladies told me, “I don’t know why I have such bad luck, every man I fall for is a married man.”

There are others who are trapped with the same married man for over 20 years, and do resolve to end it every new year’s day, after yet another lonely new year’s eve, but by mid-January it will be back to square one, business as usual, monkey business with the sneaking around like two ferrets in the dark.

Men renegotiate romance too, but this is cleverly masked behind the façade of bravado and machismo. Some men have promised to stop hurting women and to be honest and forthright with them this year. One told me that he was a ‘serial sexual slayer’ who left a wake of sad, sorry conquests behind him. “Remember that song, For all the girls who were in my life, but are now someone else’s wife? Well is me that, and I have to stop,” he told me.

Conscience does take its toll on some people and appears where you least expect it. So starting today, he renegotiated his romance to stop fooling up women. Perhaps this was honed and forged by the fact that he recently had a daughter and hopes that she never suffers the fate of those women whom he defiled over the years. The prospect of ‘sins of the father being visited on the children’ scared him. Like the wise man said, ‘Conscience doth make cowards of us all.’

Married couples also renegotiate romance, with more men making these promises to themselves than women. My survey showed that more husbands thought that they should renegotiate than wives. Could it be a case of wives thinking that they are basically okay and that it’s the man who should change? History has proven that more women want to change men than the other way around, so judge for yourself. “Alan, please promise me this year that you will change a little, be a better man, help more with the kids, assist me around the house, see to my needs, don’t be so selfish…”

So as we embark on yet another journey into a new year, we take the opportunity to reflect on our past deeds and make an effort to correct our faults. Many shall resolve to change, to be better, to improve. But whatever you do, resolve each day to treat each other better. I know we have all heard it before, but it’s a start.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: My my, where did last year go? The speed at which the years roll by is astonishing. I must take this opportunity to thank you all for not only reading my rants, but for actually taking the time to actively participate with your numerous e-mails.

I value them all, even the ones that cuss me, and consider it a privilege to be able to express myself through this medium for so many years. People often ask me, “How do you come up with your stuff every week for so many years?” My answer: ‘It’s easy, as my people are my source, and I listen keenly.’ So it’s really your thoughts that are on these pages.

By the way, I was speaking to my fellow KC old boy, attorney Ian Wilkinson, chess master, who told me what an impact chess is making in our inner-city schools. Over 10,000 children are participating in the chess programme, with even hardened boys turning away from violence after taking up chess. That’s amazing. Chess, after all, is a game of deep thought, logic and intelligence.