You are a thousand times

A properer man

Than she a woman.

— Shakespeare, As You Like It 111, 5

MAYBE the only a man who can fit that bill is Superman, also known as Kalel from the planet Krypton. He’s the guy whose alter ego is Clark Kent, but who can, in a flash, don his skin-tight uniform, complete with flowing red cape, and of course, his most familiar and conspicuous insignia, the S on his chest.

It’s Superman, and he’s who every woman dreams of. When a boy is posturing and hankering to fight another boy, the question often asked is, “So you think you bad… you must be have a S pon you chest… come test me nuh?”

Yes, that S on the chest symbolises power, strength, honour, morality and goodness, all the attributes that a woman wants in a man. Well, much to my amusement, I heard a famous American actress put a new spin on this age-old question: what type of man are you looking for? Her response was that her man must not simply have one S like Superman, but he must have five of them. Imagine that, six esses on his chest. This we’ll have to find out about, right after some purple prose penmanship from readers in regard to ‘No money, no love’ and ‘Sex, oh yes’.

Tony,

No money, no love. I can comment on this because I have at least seven friends in this situation of older guy, young girl. It all comes down to the fact that they want some hot, young bodies to turn them on at that stage of their lives. In all cases, wifey has got fat and unattractive, living the good life, no longer romantic, and simply, wifey has become like their sister at home.

Now, they have a bit of money and none of them were under the illusion that the young girl would love them if they were broke. Oh, the pampering and excitement that these girls give them in bed.

I tell you Tony, these are all happy men, and the pool of young, attractive women to choose from out there is so large. I know of what I speak, some of these men are my relatives.

ECN

Teerob,

‘Sex, oh Yes’ was a gem, and I even showed it to my wife. Big mistake as she promptly pointed out the parts where I fell short. Make that, the sections where I fell short. But sex education is critical if people are to enjoy sex. Most persons have no clue and keep on doing the wrong thing over and over.

This goes for women too, who either lay there and grit their teeth, or moan and groan like those porn stars. No one taught them, as the subject was never broached by anyone in their family, except that creepy uncle. So like you said, they learnt their sex education from the streets or from cable TV. Many end up pregnant.

Curtis

Now here’s a new one for me. This Hollywood actress who’s in need of a man, told her interviewer that she wanted a man with five esses before she could even consider him as a partner. This reminds me of the Beenie Man, Babycham hit song, Vitamin S. “Dat’s why gal a stake out my home and blow up my phone, cause she want di vitamin S. Gal waan smoke mi cigar and run dung mi car, cause she waan di vitamin S. Gal nuh tek nuh check, cause it good fi stress, dem waan di vitamin S.”

Well, whatever the S signifies, it must be good, for all the ladies seem to be clamouring for it. This one in particular though, expressed that not one, but six esses would make her man complete.

Here’s the breakdown. The first S is for sexy. Yes, the man must be sexy, and that blows the lid wide open on many theories regarding what women look for in men. Apparently, sex factors big in the equation, although most women would never admit to it. Rarely will you hear a woman say, “Wow, what a sexy man, I just have to meet him, I must have him.”

Men say that about women all the time though. But if you think about it, it’s a logical S to have, for without sexual attraction, or chemistry as they call it, nothing physical is going to happen. Still, what makes a man sexy? Frankly I wouldn’t know, but I put it to some ladies, so I’ll have to trust their judgement.

Most of them said a good, toned body with no belly hanging over makes a man sexy. Not too much muscle like a bodybuilder, though, but still not too skinny, either. “I love to feel a little strength when he holds me with no skin and bone stabbing and jooking me,” one lady said.

Apart from the physical, though, sexiness comes from good grooming, and a man who is neat, but not too much like those metrosexual men who compete with women, is considered sexy. “Ooh, I love a guy who is well put-together and smells good — so sexy.” Even so, some women love the earthy, natural smell of fresh sweat on a man, which they find to be most alluring and sexy.

The other S stood for successful. Oh yes, show me a man who’s successful and I’ll show you a man who has a path beaten to his door by women, countless women, beautiful women. It doesn’t matter what field he’s successful in, as long as he’s at the top of his game, she wants to play. Doctor, lawyer, police, banker, footballer, track star, singer, actor, deejay, politician, don, it does not matter, success draws women like a magnet, and is like crack to an addict.

They simply cannot resist. When we watch TV or read the papers and see those men who are successful, who do we see hanging on to their arms? A beautiful woman. That’s right, successful men do not choose ugly women, or is it that beautiful women target successful men? Successful symbiosis. That’s a good S to have.

The third S is single. Oops, we can’t take this one for granted, for too many men pursue women and fail to reveal one little detail… the fact that he’s married.

“You’re married, married, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Oh baby, it just slipped me, I forgot.”

If he’s not single he can’t be called yours, a fact that many women fail to grasp. So they hang on for dear life, wishing and hoping that he’ll deliver on his promise to leave his wife and settle down with her. It rarely happens, and the cliché looms large, “He and his wife sleep in separate rooms,” “He plans to leave her as soon as the children get older.”

Many women are serial mistresses, as they finish with one married man, they find another. It’s a tale of grief, heartache and sorrow, and that’s why that S for single is so important. At least if he’s single she has a chance, but if he’s not, then she has as much a chance as a snowball is hell, as the saying goes.

S also stands for smart, and every single woman I spoke to told me that her man has to be smart or she cannot respect him. And if she doesn’t respect him, then no love or romance can enter the equation. “Imagine me going out with a man who has no damn sense… what would I be doing with him?”

That’s where men differ, for being smart does not rank high on a man’s list of priorities. “As long as she look good it’s okay with me.” It does for a woman though, and they love to boast how smart their man is. “Oh my man was the chief concept designer for the software that initiated the propulsion of the magnometre that launched the space shuttle.” Huh, say what? It doesn’t matter if it’s all gobbledgoote, it sounds good and makes him seem smarter than her friends’ men, and she loves that about him. “So what does your man do? Constructs pit latrines? He’s not very smart!”

Smart does not mean being highly educated either, as there are some educated clowns who can’t even manage their women. But being smart means intelligent, cunning, having common sense, street-wise, with the ability to reason. They possess the qualities of a leader, and women prefer to be led, rather than to lead. You may wince and disagree when you first hear that, but it’s true; women do not want to lead their men. For if they do, respect flies through the window, and love goes through the door.

The final S stands for straight, and that’s a no-brainer. Straight, of course, being the opposite of gay. What would a woman be doing with a man who is gay? It may seem simple, but it’s not, as there are gay men who marry women in order to give the illusion that they are straight. This deception has caught a few women I know, and it’s not a pretty story at all.

“I had no clue that he was gay, he made love to me like any hetero man in the beginning, until after a while he just slowed down and eventually stopped. Then I found the love letters from his boyfriend.” So that S is a very important S indeed.

Women should have a choice and not be fooled by wolves in sheep’s clothing. So many wives are put at risk because of this duplicity by some gay men who hide under the radar as they don the mantle of respectability and heterosexuality. So it’s a good S to ask for.

So five esses: sexy, single, smart, successful and straight. Well, Superman needs a new logo, one with five esses on his chest. That’s the requirement of many women.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: You know a civilisation is in decline when morality is no longer upheld. When people defend a bus driver who causes an accident as he flees the law, then in the same breath curse the cops, you know we’re in trouble. When people defend the act of duping old foreign people out of their life’s savings, saying that it’s payback time, you know we’re in trouble. When people can sell foodstuff, knowing fully well that the expiry date has long gone, then they appear on TV and say that it’s a long time they’re doing it, and is hustling dem hustling, we’re in trouble.

When people can have backroom pharmacies and dispense drugs like they’re doctors or pharmacists with no regard for the buyers’ welfare, you know we’re in trouble. When sportscasters can chide and ridicule athletes who take a stand against racism, you know we’re in trouble. Two Reggae Boyz are suspended for breaking rules and people get vex. You see the trend? They defend their dishonour with glee. They know not that they know not, and it’s scary.