Antonio, I am married to a wife

Which is as dear to me as life itself,

But life itself, my wife, and all the world

Are not with me esteemed above thy life:

I would lose all, ay, sacrifice them all

Here to this devil, to deliver you.

— Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice, IV, 1

Now that’s a man who is bigging up his wife with lyrics that go above and beyond the call of duty. And he’s actually telling this to a man, his bredrin Antonio. Nothing at all is wrong with that if your better half deserves the praise.

Indeed, many a wives tale should be shouted from the rooftops, as the saying is often true, that behind every successful man is a good woman, and I’m not talking about those women who came along after the success, but the ones who helped him achieve it.

The term ‘old wives tale’ was coined for a reason. That’s because there is much truth to what many wives have been saying for centuries, truths that have endured the passage of time. Wives seem to have a knack of knowing the right thing, and even though many men may see it as nagging, they really listen and heed. “Man, my wife hardly wrong bout people yu nuh.”

But as in all things, there is good, bad and indifferent, or that should be as the movie title went, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Indeed, there are wives and there are wives, and the tales of wives are as diverse as are the tails of wives.

We’ll find out more, right after we see what these readers had to say about my spiel about ‘Real men’.

Hi Tony,

I’m afraid to say it, but real men do not exist anymore. Instead, what we have are little boys parading around as men. They have no moral values, they don’t know how to treat women, they show no respect to anyone, and they think that a fancy car, high-paying job and big bank account make them a man.

A real man exists even without those material trappings, but they would never understand that. Their egos are fuelled by those silly, needy, greedy women who you wrote about, who pander to them just to get what they can get. A real man would see through that ruse, but fools that they are, they believe their own hype and fall for it.

Heather

Senor Antonio,

I can understand why you stated in your footnote that you would be Brazilian if you weren’t Jamaican. Football is synonymous with Brazil, but they are not the powerhouse from the days of Pele. They barely squeaked by Chile in their match. Brazil produces some of the most beautiful women in the world. You talk about real men, well, those are real women. Mujeres bonitas para mi, siempre.

Francesco

A husband and his wife had a bitter a bitter argument on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘here lies my wife, cold as ever.’

“Yeah,” she replies, “when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘here lies my husband, stiff at last.”

Two men were talking. “So how’s your sex life with your wife?”

“Oh, nothing special, we have pension sex.”

“Pension sex?”

“Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

There are so many jokes about husbands and wives, but I do think that wives are the butt of more jokes than husbands are. Butt, yes, pun intended. But the truth is, even though men will carp about wives, all men seek a wife who will be true to them. Whether he will be true to her is another matter, for when you hear the tales of some wives, they make you shudder.

But there are wives and there are wives, and the good, the bad and the ugly are either a blessing to a lucky man, or a curse to a tormented husband. Remember, the cockney slang for wife is ‘trouble and strife’. Yet the endearment for a wonderful wife is ‘my better half’.

Some wives will cater to a man’s needs, traipsing after him, waiting on him hand and foot like a Japanese Geisha. Some men may refer to her as a great wife, for she fulfills his needs and is there at his beck and call. “I tell you man, my wife does everything for me, she is the best.” But if you hear her side of the story, her tale, she will admit to a life of virtual servility, servitude, peonage, as she complains that the more she does for her husband is the more that he demands.

“I can’t get a moment’s rest, as he expects me to be at his bidding twenty-four seven.” Maybe is she bruck him bad, and after spoiling him from day one, she’s now stuck in a cycle that cannot be undone.

There are men who will seek a wife who is a great cook. Don’t knock it, for men have married women for their culinary skills only. And there are men whose marriage hit the skids because their wives couldn’t even boil water, so those attributes are important to some guys.

But for the wife who was married only for her kitchen duties and spends her days, as the cliché goes, ‘toiling over a hot stove’ morning noon and night, her misery will be a thousandfold. These men expect a huge breakfast of cooked food, boiled bananas, liver and onions, fried plantain, roast breadfruit and hot beverage. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, they say, but so is the way to an early grave.

Those wives end up killing him softly, inadvertently doing their husbands in with food, as they cater to his overindulgence. Her tale is, “He married me because I can cook, so I cook, I have nothing else to offer.”

“Here Honey, let me make you a nice hard dough bread egg sandwich; four slices as usual and five eggs, right?”

It’s every man’s dream to be married to a beautiful, sexy woman, which may belie the theory of what really leads to a man’s heart. Food may play a part yes, but it’s the sex that will lead him by the nose. As a result, men will seek a woman who satisfies his sexual fantasies whenever his aching loins demand it. He will make love to her at every opportunity, and will be a happy camper.

But her tale is different, as it may just be a one-way street as far as satisfaction goes. He’s happy, but she’s miserable. “Oh, we make love often yes, but it’s all about him, only what he wants and when he wants it.”

So many wives are unfulfilled, unsatisfied, unhappy, even though they’re making love with their man on a regular basis. That’s because many men are selfish and simply do not care about the needs of their wives. So the women live a life of dissatisfaction. But it’s a secret that they carry alone, for the outside world will never know.

There are men who love ugly wives. I remember this guy who always had a string of ugly women as girlfriends over the years. I could never understand why, for he was what women would call a handsome guy. When I eventually mustered up the resolve to ask him, he said, “Teerob, with an ugly woman, I have no fear of her cheating on me, for no other man wants her.”

Irony of ironies, he married the ugliest woman this side of Hope Zoo, and you guessed it, she cheated on him. It almost sent him mad, and he migrated, never to return. Unfortunately, I didn’t get her side of the story. But when an ugly women gives you bun, it must hurt like hell.

There are wives who are neat freaks. My wife, for example, has declared a war on dirt and dust, and it’s a campaign that never ends, but I prefer that to a woman who is slovenly and untidy any day.

Wives can be precious, a bedrock in a relationship, a confidante, an advisor, a muse to her man. Some men are fortunate, as I am.

When a man can praise his woman it shows the measure of his worth. So few men do so, preferring to keep it inside. My late father always sang the praises of my late mom, and I respected him for that. Too many men think that it’s cool to put down their women when talking to their cronies.

So men will pick, choose, refuse their wives, but always remember, the wives have their tale too.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Today is the final day of the World Cup, and what a spectacle it was too. Where did the month go? All those critics who said that Brazil as a country would not be ready to host the tournament must be eating their words now. Everything went smoothly, every match started on time and the stadia were fantastic.

We really were treated to a spectacle, on and off the field, with more uncertainty than what the roll of dice could offer. No game could be predicted. Brazil were mauled 7-1 in the semis by Germany, while Argentina made it to today’s final after a penalty shoot-out with The Netherlands. This is perhaps the best World Cup ever. You can see it on ‘big’ screen at Carib Theatre too. What a treat.