Picture t his: Pall-bearers taking casket to grave. All of a sudden, a cellphone rings in the pocket of one of the well-suited men bearing the body. Without thinking twice, he lets go of the casket and searches for his cellphone, finds it, and says, “Hello!”

Aftermath of that incident as described by an onlooking mourner in the procession to the grave: “Mi say di man let go di coffin and answer him phone, and di odder one dem tumble dung pon di grung wid di coffin. Is a funeral, but mi laugh till mi almost pop up, and den mi start cry.”

I recently was having breakfast in a popular restaurant when I observed a family of four — presumably father, mother, son, and daughter — enter and sit at a table. Immediately on sitting down each took out his or her cellphone and began to navigate. Nary a word was spoken throughout their meal, except when making orders to the waitress. My innermost thought was, “Whatever happened to the good, old art of conversation?”

Welcome to the age of ‘cell-fishness’!

If there is one bad thing that the use of cellphones has brought to the fore in the age of social media is that of selfishness. Four of the major avenues in which this disgusting human trait is practised ad nauseam are on Twitter, Instagram, WhatsApp, and Facebook. Cellphone users spend a great deal of time on ego trips, self-praise, narcissistic embellishments, intellectual masturbation, self-pity, and nauseating repetitiveness involving fashion statements, photographic poses, and, of course, self-righteous pronouncements including vilifications and character assassination. Even this writer has been guilty of some of these ‘cell-fish sins’.

And, notwithstanding the Cybercrimes Act, many acts of libel, slander and other cruel representations, in picture, for the most part, occur without much recourse for the offended parties. Then there is the continuing Tom and Jerry tracing match between supporters of the ruling Jamaica Labour Party (JLP) and the Opposition People’s National Party (PNP), in which, as William Shakespeare said in his play Julius Caesar: “Judgment has fled to brutish beasts and men (women too) have lost their reason.” Indeed, some of the most nasty, calumnious, and disgusting utterances and illustrations are posted with seeming glee and opprobrium against political opponents and their respective party.

But perhaps the most pernicious and disgusting of all these “cell-fish” practices is when mobile phone users converge on an accident or murder scene and seemingly gleefully take pictures of the victims (including children and pregnant women) then place these on social media. The recent machete attack by an angry Hanover man, who slaughtered his former common-law wife (who was pregnant) and two daughters, was plastered on Facebook to the disgust of many viewers who felt that such a post was in very poor taste. A number of fly-by-night, so-called news outlets online usually gobble up these pictures and highlight them in a most unprofessional and uncaring manner. So much for a free press without responsibility!

Another annoying, selfish and dangerous practice is motorists who use their cellphones while driving. Imagine driving on the north coast highway and you are in the fast lane only to end up behind a motor car moving at a snail’s pace with no hazard lights on to suggest there is a problem. You move slowly around it, and lo and behold the driver is seen without a care in the world on his cellphone deep in a conversation. One good reason for road rage?!

And how can one forget the profilers who speak loudly in public places on their cellphones? Usually their conversation includes highlights of things they can show off about. Like, “You feed the dog them yet? A whole heap a money mi pay fi me pitbull dem, you know, so dem no fi go hungry!” Or: “Mi chile, I am here shopping and me confuse so till. If you see di bargains, I might have to just max out mi t’ree credit card dem!” Then this: “Yow, what a gwaan dawg? A mi Rolex mi just go pick up from the jeweller cause mi no know how fi change di date and me no want nutten happen to it because a whole heap a greenback me pay fi it.”

It is alleged that the average Jamaican has at least two cellphones which means that we spend a great deal of time talking, playing Candy Crush and other games, texting, sexting, and calling to beg credit or a “smalls”. Needless to say, a great deal of man-hours are lost, which must seriously affect the nation’s productivity level. In the meantime, owners of cellphones are constantly at risk of being robbed of their instruments and may even face death if they refuse to hand over same to the marauding miscreants out there who seek to make a thriving business out of re-selling them.

In 2014, Paul Mountjoy wrote in his article entitled ‘Cellphones promote serious social, psychological issues’. It said, inter alia, “What started out as a means of adult communication has become a teen status symbol and a new-age addiction, and it is not a drug: It’s a cellphone…Studies reported by the Journal of Behavioural Sciences show that a young adult sends an average of 109.5 text messages daily and checks their cellphones an average of 60 times a day…A large survey showed 28 per cent of cellphone users use their device to contact partners, 28 per cent contact close friends, 26 per cent contact family, and only 11 per cent use the phone for business.”

He continued to say that a New York City-based psychiatrist Dr Jeremy Spiegel found that “cellphone socialisation is skeletal and interferes or replaces interfacing with people on a much-needed social level. The device is creating what some experts call the Narcissist Generation — those who truly believe they are so important and popular with their thoughts they make themselves available to whomever needs them…The cell and text addiction feeds the misplaced sense of self-importance and is now exacerbated by Twitter, making the young sycophantic and susceptible to non-gainful unintelligent chatter. This meaningless chatter is time-consuming and can displace activities of greater personal value.”

And, as actor/comedian Bob Newhart has said, “It’s getting harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on the cellphone. It brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves.” And believe me they do! Kind of reminds me of the late Roger Clarke’s platform political banter about “Man have all two phones now; him can call himself and say ‘hello!’ ”

Lloyd B Smith is a veteran newspaper editor and publisher who has resided in Montego Bay for most of his life where he is popularly known as “The Governor”. Send comments to Observer or lbsmith4@gmail.com.