He took the bride about the neck

And kissed her with such a clamorous smack

That at the parting

All the church did echo.

— Shakespeare

Maybe that’s the nearest thing to sex that the Church will publicly approve of. Any other activity will be swept under the pulpit. After all though, it’s the parson who utters the now famous line that everyone in the congregation wants to hear, “You may now kiss the bride.” With that he gives them a legal, moral, spiritual mandate to go and have sex.

No more living in sin, but free to partake of all the pleasures that sex brings to the relationship. Sometimes you have to wonder what the parson is thinking about the bride when he uttered those words. “Hmm, she really pretty fi true, I wish it was me kissing her.” But nah, that’s totally impossible, no parson would ever think that. Right.

The Church is strict on matters that smack of sexual impropriety, at least when it applies to the general congregation. Fornication is a no-no, sex before marriage is a no-no, adultery is a no-no. All acts of sexual activity are deemed sinful unless sanctioned by the Church.

The irony is the very same institution that invokes such strict and stringent rules about sexuality is the very same one where sex often runs wild. Maybe you recall the TV series Sex and the City, well, they could easily have produced one titled Sex and the Church.

That’s where we’ll gather today, down the aisle, among the pews, as we see what sexual activities occur in the Church, right after these responses to what I said about ‘Moods’.

Hi Tony,

Back in the day I bought a Neil Diamond album titled simply, Moods, which really resonated with me. Fast-forward to the matter of having to be in the mood to make love. You are correct in stating that men are always in the mood, but I find that women can be made to be in the mood for love. What works for me is giving her a full body massage, call it foreplay if you will. That will always put her in a good mood.

Barry

Teerob,

What you say about women and moods is absolutely correct. There is no creature on Earth that is as moody as a woman. In one given day she can be as happy as a lark, yet by noon she’s as miserable as a puss dunked in water. Then at night she’ll be okay again, only to wake up the next morning as miserable as granny before her morning coffee. It’s best to just ignore those moods and go with the flow.

Peter

The church is supposed to be a place of worship, spiritual upliftment, sanctity, a sanctuary from the challenges of life and a refuge for lost souls seeking solace and inner peace. At no point was the church a place for sex, and yet it is.

The term ‘church sister’ conjures up a woman dressed in modest clothes, showing no skin, with natural hair, no accoutrements such as jewellery or garish make-up, but a God-fearing and God-faring woman.

The parson was a man to be trusted, full of high moral fibre, a man of wisdom, trust, honour, impeccable standards and who would disseminate advice and counsel.

“You having problems, go talk to parson, he’ll counsel you.”

A parson, priest, pastor, clergy, man of the cloth, missionary was a trusted member of society who had the authority and moral standing to sign legal documents for the common man. He was a holy of the Church.

The church was seen to be a sacred place where the word sex was taboo. That seems to be an illusion, for based on reports here and abroad, the church seems to be a hotbed of sexuality that can only be matched by a cathouse. Well, okay, maybe I went a bit far there, but the reports of sex in the Church worldwide are most disturbing even as they are revealing. This has been going on for centuries.

It seems as if those parsons, priests, and nuns weren’t just singing Hosanna when they got down on their knees. Many nuns literally kicked the habit. Sex in the Church was so wild that they even named a sexual position after a group of its officials. That’s right, the missionary position, so named from the missionaries who spread more than the gospel as they ministered unto the young women while on their crusades.

In case you’re wondering, it’s man on top, woman underneath. It seems that those missionaries, although tawdry, lacked imagination. Needles to say, many churches recommend that position only, as any other contortions are deemed too raunchy and immoral.

“Just lay there and accept your man until the act is completed.”

Interestingly, I can’t think of any other group that had a sexual position named after it, not police, teacher, fireman, politician, soldier, newspaper columnist, but missionary. So powerful is the influence of the Church.

It appears that if you’re looking for sex, then church is the place to be. Not nightclubs, not the beach, not social events, but church. It’s a known fact that many women seek out the assembly of the Church in order to get a man.

“Tired of being alone, join the Church and find the man that you always prayed for.”

Many male congregants exploit this, as do many parsons. Which brings me to the sad state of what’s happening with some parsons and members of the flock. The news reports are filled with stories of parsons having sexual relations with not only church sisters, but underaged girls in the Church. Flock is not the only F word that they indulge in.

We have seen some of these cases before, with parson having sex with 15-year-old girl, parson getting 13-year-old girl pregnant, parson having sex with 16-year-old girl and her sister, parson arrested for raping underaged girls.

What is equally disturbing is the fact that members of the Church will readily jump to the defence of these predatory pulpit poachers and instead chastise the victims and their families, sometimes chasing them out of the Church and the community.

“Is lie di little girl telling, parson would never rape her.”

DNA doesn’t lie though.

Oftentimes the parents of the victims will try to cover up the act, and in one recent case even the wife of the accused pastor and the girl’s mother were arrested for trying to get the young victim to change her story. This is not new, but it does seem to be making the news with ribald regularity these days. It seems as if every week there’s another story of sex in the Church.

Don’t those pastors have a fear of God as they stand before the congregation spouting scripture, the wages of sin, hellfire, brimstone, and damnation, yet they themselves are partaking of the pleasures of punany? A pastor is supposed to know the Bible more than the layman, he knows the scriptures, the wrath of God, and yet he ignores all that and flies in the face of all things holy.

There was a time when you could leave your young daughter with a parson for counselling. You dare not do that now or she may end up pregnant. In fact, you can’t even leave your young boys anymore, as some parson nowadays nuh partial when it come to sex.

Speaking of counselling, years ago, a married couple I knew went to a pastor for marital counselling. Well, the parson put argument to the young wife as he continually called her on the sly asking her out.

Historically, there are cases of choir boys being sexually violated by priests all over the world. This even goes as far as the Vatican, where high-ranking clerics have been defrocked, excommunicated for having sexual relations with not only women, but young boys as well. It appears that they did the defrocking first. Many times these abuses were covered up for decades, but are now just being unearthed.

Lawsuits are aplenty, and sadly, many of those young boys who were sexually abused committed suicide. Others tried to live normal lives, but couldn’t, resulting in broken marriages and depression.

Sex in the Church has always been an issue that was swept under the carpet, but now the carpet is being lifted, the scales have been removed from thine eyes, what was hidden at night is now revealed by day, story come to bump, every day you carry bucket go to well, one day the bottom gwine drop out. You get my drift.

I’m not here to judge, but when sex is so rampant in an institution that’s supposed to be of high moral standards, you have to wonder. And, yet, some churches actually advocate that their clergy and congregation, male and female, swear vows of celibacy. What an ironic futile twist.

Gone are the days of looking for sex in diverse places, now all you have to do is look in some churches and indulge your fantasies.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Flat Bridge that spans the Rio Cobre has been around for centuries and claimed countless lives. Some say that it’s haunted by ghosts of slaves long gone. It’s feared by many and still claims lives to this day. Some are saved though, and credit must be given to those brave young men who live in the area and who readily take the dangerous plunge to save people who fall prey to the river. But credit is not enough. These men should be compensated in some way for saving so many lives. They are the first respondents on the scene and without hesitation dive in to save hapless motorists. Give them something tangible.