A recent headline in one of our leading dailies screamed: ‘Divorce Booming’. The headline was a commentary on the alarming divorce rate in the country, which started well before the novel coronavirus pandemic.

The pandemic merely revealed the parlous state of interpersonal relationships and the shaky foundations on which many of them rested. It not only revealed the deep fissures that existed, but in many instances hastened the death of what was already dying.

Marital relationships might be prominent in this regard, but the analysis may well be true of the full gamut of human relationships from the bedroom to the boardroom.

When the lockdowns started, people immediately and suddenly found themselves hunkered down at home. With the loss of mobility outside the home, many had to contend with family members with whom they might not have had a great relationship before the onset of the virus. Some were already under severe strain, and the relationship between parents and children in some households left a lot to be desired.

Before the lockdowns, a father could have an argument or some altercation with a petulant teenager, but he knew that tomorrow the child would be at school and he would not have to contend with him or her for the entire day. He might decide not to go home early from work either as he had options other than going home directly to deal with a petty teenager. With COVID-19 and curfew hours to contend with, he had no choice but to head home to deal with whatever frustrations awaited him.

For many marriages, the red flags had already gone up. In fact, these flags were already present before folks got married, but there is a mistaken notion among some couples that they can ignore these problems and hope that they will work themselves out when they are married. Some people seem to believe that they have superhuman powers that they can employ to change an errant partner for good when they get married. The more religious ones believe that an utterly unworthy person can have a “come-to-Jesus” moment once they are married.

While I do not doubt the value of divine intervention in a marriage, I have often wondered at the naivete of the belief that deep character flaws in a partner can be easily mended or overcome by religion.

As a marriage and couples therapist, I never cease to be amazed at the number of couples who see deep flaws in the character and personality of a partner, but feel that by some magical, religious elixir they can transform these people into ‘darlings’ once they get married.

Part of the reason why marriages go bad is that people do not spend time to understand or know the person that they are hoping to live with “until they are parted by death”.

Premarital counselling is often scoffed at because of the belief that if one person loves another there is no need to explore the relationship with a third party. Never mind that love is often not properly understood. What some people call love is mere infatuation or a desire to exploit another person for one’s sexual gratification. For some, love merely resides at the level of the physical, which often means the extent to which the partner can satisfy the other’s sexual impulses.

Thus, one of the first questions that I ask a premarital couple is: Why do you want to be married at this time? The question puts the decision in context. It is both an economic and an emotional context, but more specifically, it is aimed at getting the couple to seriously drill down on motives and expectations of the marriage, which may be seriously misaligned.

The therapist’s responsibility in the counselling relationship is to help the couple to understand the implications of flaws that come to the surface, some people are very skilled at burying these flaws; the dangers of moving forward; and, if they are willing, how they can work on these difficulties to come to a reasonable and comfortable place before saying I do.

I say if they are willing for this entails a lot of work, which some couples may find too arduous.

We are living in a microwaved, instant coffee world, where people believe that they do not have to work too hard at getting the good things of life. If they take the same attitude into a marriage, commitments are likely to become lopsided, wherein one person does most of the work while the other just ambles along. Lethargy and apathy, twin enemies of a healthy marriage, soon set in.

One marker to note that something is wrong is the level of intimidation that one person — usually the female — feels in the presence of the other. Is the person dominating the conversation and does the other person feel comfortable to express himself or herself in the presence of the other? There are many other markers but I look out for this one especially, for it is a sure indication of trouble to come. If you have to be walking on eggshells before you get married, you can rest assured that there will be problems in the future.

With all the effort and goodwill that one brings to a relationship, divorce always lurks in the shadow. But divorce must be carefully thought through. It is not as easy as it may appear. Apart from the financial toll, it can have serious psychological effects on people and should not be engaged lightly, arrogantly, or whimsically.

I liken divorce to an earthquake which causes serious disruptions and can shake the very core of one’s personal well-being.

We make commitments in marriage and devote a great part of our lives to making it work, especially when children are involved. If you engage divorce, be willing to pay a price which is not just financial, but psychological and emotional.

This is not to say that one should stay in a marriage which has apparently died. The embers of love do burn out, again, from lethargy and apathy. One can take only so much abuse from a spouse who behaves like Attila the Hun. And sometimes one simply has to move on for a better life, a life free from tyranny and mental pain. But consider well the likely consequences of your decision, seek wise counsel, and then act.

Dr Raulston Nembhard is a priest, social commentator, and author of the books Finding Peace in the Midst of Life’s Storm and Your Self-esteem Guide to a Better Life. Send comments to the Jamaica Observer or stead6655@aol.com.