COUNSELLOR,

I’m writing to you with a heavy heart, feeling like I’m finally reaping what I sowed years ago. I have a beautiful daughter, who is 24, and who means the world to me, but lately, I’ve been struggling with guilt and regret over how men are treating her—because it’s painfully similar to how I treated women when I was younger. In my youth, I wasn’t the most respectful or considerate when it came to relationships. I played games, used women, and didn’t think twice about how my actions might hurt them. At the time, I didn’t see the harm in it, but now, as I watch my daughter navigate her own relationships, I’m seeing the consequences of those actions play out in her life. She’s been hurt by men who seem to be following the same playbook I once used—stringing her along, making empty promises, and treating her as though she’s disposable. It’s tearing me apart to see her go through this, knowing that I contributed to this cycle of behaviour. I feel like this is karma coming back to haunt me, and it’s unbearable to think that my past might be affecting her present. I want to protect her, to teach her to recognise the red flags and to value herself more than I ever did other women. But I’m also aware that my own past behaviour makes me a hypocrite, and I’m struggling with how to guide her without letting my guilt get in the way. Is there a way to break this cycle and ensure that she finds the respect and love she deserves, even if I didn’t always give that to others?

Yes, you should protect her from the “games” men often play. A great way to do that is to actually share your story with her. Lessons are often remembered best when they’re attached to someone’s experience. As the Bible says, “For all have sinned…” (Romans 3:23). Everyone has messed up, and men have taken advantage of women since “Whappy kill Fillop”. And women, too, have played games with men.

We’ve all made mistakes and must check ourselves to continuously be better versions of ourselves.

There’s no reason to feel hypocritical. You’d only be hypocritical if you’re trying to teach her about the cruel games guys play while you’re still playing it. Your past is your past — it provides you with references for life lessons, both for yourself and for others.

You’ve asked about breaking “the cycle”. To that I say, not really. You can only try to advise people about the cruelties of these games. But the games will continue to be played by someone somewhere. Regarding ensuring “she finds the respect and love she deserves” …maybe.

My advice:

Do a daddy-daughter date: Tell her about your mistakes, and what motivated you. Then reinforce the principles you’ve mentioned. Abandon your guilt trip. You know better now. Let her know that her safety and happiness require evaluating people well. Remind her to be patient about finding a partner. Choosing a partner is the second most important decision of her life (I’d say the first is choosing salvation).

Do occasional daddy-daughter dates: She’ll know that she’s loved and supported. If she has strong confidence, then she’ll never be a push-over. Your presence and affirmations will generally help her with her self-confidence.

Help her evaluate: Don’t be timid about enquiring about who she’s considering. Let her know you’re there to help her choose. It’s okay to be traditional. She must feel your protection. And the guys must know she has “backative”. Her emotional, physical and financial safety requires your support. The wrong guys will be scared off by your presence. The right guys will welcome it. Of course, be #balanced.

Your daughter must first find the “respect and love she deserves” from her family — then you can pray she finds the romantic partner she desires.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.