Dad thinks his kids are jackets
Counsellor, My last two children look nothing like my other children, or my family, or me, but my friends said to leave it alone if I want peace. I’ve always had a niggling suspicion, but have not said anything to my wife. They look eerily like our family friend, who is a source of comfort to the family when I travel on the work programme. There is no contention with the supposed dates of their conception, since I was in fact in Jamaica, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are ‘dead stamp’, as Jamaicans say, of our family friend. Should I leave it alone, or satisfy my curiosity with a test?
Your two last children resemble a family friend, and you are suspicious of their paternity. Understood. Sweeping things under the carpet doesn’t solve the problem. That only allows challenges in the home to grow. If we stick to that analogy, dirt brushed under the carpet typically continues to gather more and more dirt. And it causes bigger problems in the house later on. It can possibly make everyone in the house “sick”.
Living with that kind of serious suspicion can be torment to you. Being suspicious of the children’s true paternity will also cause you to relate to them with that uncertainty, and therefore possibly harshly. They may also be in psychological distress later on from the challenges of communication with you. The suspicions will also cause intimacy with your wife to also be strained. All that pressure and insecurity can’t be a healthy scenario.
Your friends say leave it alone if you want peace. But your letter proves you presently do not have peace. Peace comes from clarity, not suspicion and doubt.
Sometimes difficult decisions must be made to truly have peace. I’d suggest you do the test. It may be that you are proven right. It may be that you are proven wrong — but finding the truth will at least shut the confusion down. You can decide what to do when you have the facts.
Knowing the truth protects you: You don’t want to be at risk of a sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) if your spouse is having unprotected sex with someone else. Be proactive about your own health. Knowing the truth protects your children. They should not have to be relating to you while you are questioning whose offspring they are. Also, in case of a medical emergency, theirs or yours, if you’re not their father, that being realised in an emergency scenario can pose a serious challenge at a very bad time. Be proactive about their future. I’d suggest that you do not “leave it alone”.
You can be very discreet about finding out if you are their biological father. You don’t have to let the children know that you are concerned and you don’t have to let your spouse know that you are investigating either. I generally argue for transparency between spouses, but this is an issue that can fairly be handled discreetly. It doesn’t have to be public knowledge. You could also consider being tested for STDs discreetly too.
If you’re in Jamaica there are private labs and clinics islandwide that can perform paternity testing. The issue of true paternity, aka “jackets”, is a big issue in Jamaica, so the testing is widely available. Apparently, approximately 30 per cent of children in Jamaica call the wrong person father.
Unfortunately, paternity tests can be relatively expensive. The costs start at about $40,000; however, if the investment brings you peace of mind and peace at home, it is worth it.
If you do the testing and the children are not yours, please be mature about it. Do right by the children. Be smart about getting any support you need to navigate things. If they are your children, still be smart about things. Make sure to be present as best as you can, both for your children and for your spouse. And whatever the outcome, I pray that the rest of your life will be the best of your life.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
