He said he wanted a natural dolly, but...

Dear Counsellor,

I am the woman whose fiancé wrote to you in the article 'After meeting my fiancée, I no longer want to marry her'. My family showed me the article in the Jamaica Observer and when I confronted him he confessed. I am now back home in America, and I'm devastated because my fiancé has never said that he didn't like what he saw when I came to Jamaica. Instead, he took all the gifts I brought for him and his family and accepted when I paid each time we went out. It was when I told him that instead of going out to eat every other night of the week and going out every weekend (mind you, I was the one always paying) that he started showing me a bad attitude. He started criticising everything I did, and made some comments, but was never man enough to say all that he said in his letter to you. Ironically, the things he said he didn't like ­— me not shaving and my hair — are all things he insisted on. He said he liked women natural with a wild side, in his own words, "natural dolly". I also can cook, but as I mentioned above, he always wanted to eat out. While I can fix my teeth, he can't fix his awful attitude and personality.

I had to book a flight back home last minute, even though I had planned to be in Jamaica longer, and return home with my tail between my legs. He has broken me, to be honest, but I hope I can still find love eventually.

Well, you both have had some sort of revelation about each other. It's better that you both realise now what you want and what you don't want instead of sometime later. It is sad that you've had to go through this disappointment and hurt that you're going through. I say to individuals, consider every disappointment an appointment — this means that though one opportunity has not worked out, it only creates room for another opportunity to work out. Yes, you've made huge sacrifices in pursuit of that relationship; however, you can see that you've been spared, having not tied the knot.

I can imagine that your pain is amplified by the public nature of the fallout. Yet, it's possible to use this pain to propel you to accomplish things you might not have had the drive to accomplish before. Some of the most successful, accomplished people in the world developed the discipline and drive to become successful after very painful experiences. You don't have to let this experience go to waste — use it to propel yourself forward.

My advice:

Forgive him: This may seem impossible right now, but it's important. Don't allow the stain of this experience to hurt your future. You have to be emotionally and spiritually healthy to take advantage of the better opportunities that will come your way — being bitter blocks big blessings! You will probably never forget what happened, but you can forgive him. Do the necessary work to disarm any sense of hatred towards him or his family. I guarantee you'll be better off for it.

Analyse his comments: Criticism is like free consultation — you can analyse it for what might be usable. Consider what he has mentioned in the letter and see if there is anything you might want to adjust in your life. Step back from the emotional dust-up and be as objective as you can as you re-examine the letter. Set new goals for yourself based on whatever you might extract.

Use the lessons: There are lessons to be learnt from this experience, such as not making big decisions, such as an engagement, via the Internet. However, it's good that you both had not tied the knot or were intimate. I pray for your healing and your happiness.

Get on The Counsellor's Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.

Rev Christopher Brodber

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