I just want to be loved
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Dear Counsellor,

I see where you helped another woman who wanted to find a husband, and I just want to shoot my shot too, especially in this month of love. I am a single mother, 26, who is seeking a husband, and I just want to be loved. I think my Mr Right is out there, but I've just been too busy at work and school to really reach out. I am highly educated, attractive, and a decent person, and I believe that I bring a lot to the table. I have a lot to offer in a relationship. How do I make this connection with Cupid?

Well, I'm not sure about Cupid, but I certainly enjoy playing matchmaker. However, the challenge is we can't vet those that might respond and want to connect with you. A "shot" like this is bold but it casts a very wide net and that net can draw all manner of individuals.

Let me say, though, attracting Mr Right is great, but remember to also be Ms Right. Be ready and willing to figure out how to keep Mr Right when he comes. Relationships require investments of time and he'll "just want to be loved" too. You've said that you're highly educated, decent, and attractive, and these make a good foundation. There's more, though, like patience, balance, fairness, respect, compassion, flexibility, and honesty; these are important too. And remember, every Mr Right has to be Mr Right for your context. This means, for example, he'll have to be able to be a good step-parent and not just a good partner. He'll probably also have to stimulate you intellectually in unique ways since you're a well-educated, apparently driven young woman. Make sure to make a list of the attributes you'll want in your Mr Right, and pay close attention to the list as you meet suitors.

The Mr Right I'd prescribe for you:

Graduate and/or driven: They say "love is blind", but I often remind folks that "blind" doesn't mean silly. You're academically driven, which implies that you will require a partner that is also well-driven. He could be driven toward academia too or driven in other fields, such as business, sports, or the arts. He'll apparently need to be very focused and en route to his goals.

Well groomed and comported: Your self-description implies that you may also be well groomed and embrace good etiquette. Therefore, someone generally indifferent to his appearance might not keep your fancy. One of the benefits of a "church guy" might be the tendency toward being decently dressed and well comported. You haven't mentioned if you are religious, but if you are, someone in a similar position could be prudent.

An older guy: I'd suggest you consider connecting with someone that's between one to five years your senior. In my estimation, that age range tends to make the easiest compatibility. There are particular implications for dating younger guys and much older guys — those situations are not impossible but require unique preparation, especially once the relationship gets serious.

Emotionally intelligent: You'll want to make sure he's mature and stable. Ensure he's fit to deal with your child appropriately. You'll need to watch how any suitor speaks to his family members, his friends, waiters, when you're out, and people in authority. That'll give you some clue as to how he manages his emotions and how he'll behave down the road.

You're at a very interesting stage in your life, so I pray you'll certainly find the one.

Get on The Counsellor's Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.

Christopher Brodber

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