Not sure how to reach teenage daughter

Dear Dr. Royes:

What is bothering me is that my teenager is trying so hard to look like the models she sees in the ads in magazines. She is constantly dieting, straightening her hair, and obsessing about her clothes. I can’t get her to really focus on her schoolwork or get active in anything serious. My husband thinks I am worrying too much, but I remember when I was a girl I didn’t even think about my body! Am I really overanxious, or is there something I can do to help my daughter?

Dear Mummy:

Teenagers seem to put parents through more hoops than ever nowadays. On the other hand, the whole modelling and advertising scene is created by adults who should know better. So unhealthy is the teenage-parent relationship, and so accustomed are we to difficult adolescents, that we have almost forgotten that our teenagers should be happy, curious, confident, engaging in healthy activities, and feeling good about their bodies. That should be our goal as parents of teens.

Let us start with your daughter. Like most teenagers, she is at an age of great insecurity, trying to be adult, trying to get approval from her peers. However, it sounds as if she is more insecure than she should be. Clearly, she needs to feel better about herself, and she does this by trying to be perfect as she understands female perfection.

It is vitally important that you and your husband should work at building up her self-esteem now, not criticising her. You don’t have to overdo the flattery, but congratulate her when she achieves and compliment her on her looks, which are clearly important to her. You must also make sure that her siblings, if any, should be supportive rather than teasing her or putting her down. Your daughter might be comparing herself to a pretty relative and feeling inadequate, and you should find out if this is a concern. Many parents don’t realise how much harm they do by praising the looks, hair or complexion of one child – to the detriment of another.

I would suggest that you look at some options for her, like teen clubs that emphasize personal development, a teen counselling group. Such groups would help her to socialise, while helping her to work on herself inside. Other possibilities are group activities around something she enjoys, like joining a teen choir, things that get her thinking of something other than her looks. And even though she groans and moans, you should insist that she have some regular physical activity, perhaps a sport that she might like to learn.

Why don’t you bring the subject to the attention of her school, and suggest that the teenagers could do with some discussion around the issue. One educational tool is a videotape by Dr Jean Kilbourne called Killing us softly on the effect of media advertising on young girls. You can go into her website at the Media Education Foundation. She has a study guide that comes with her films, which would be good for school teachers and even the students themselves to look at and discuss.

Above all, remember that you are your daughter’s main role model. If you are secure, confident and happy yourself, your daughter will be the same. So work on yourself at the same time, and be that positive and powerful role model that she needs.