My husband is a computer junkie
Dear RB,
My husband of 18 months is a computer junkie, so I never really paid it any mind when he’d spend hours upon hours online or on the computer, and never really wondered what he was doing the whole time. Two weeks ago I glanced at the screen when he was away and I saw a part of an online conversation where he was telling some woman the details of a conversation he and I had earlier that day.
When he came home and went back on the computer, I didn’t tell him what I saw, I just asked him what he was doing online, and he lied to me. Is that a signal that he’s cheating, and is it cheating if it’s all on the Internet? Should I let him know that I saw what he wrote and that I feel violated that he’s chosen to share our private conversations with someone else, or am I totally out of order for being a snoop?
Confused Newlywed
Dear Confused Newlywed,
I feel your distress. I hate to tell you this, but you may not know the half about what he may or may not be doing on his computer. But the truth is that he has been doing this for some time, and though you are upset, you need to keep this in perspective.
Consider opening a general conversation with him about the many ways he uses his computer. And you may get answers to your questions. Maybe it is as innocent as a chat room for guys who have issues with their girlfriends/wives.
And try not to focus on the lie and overreact by going to the “is he cheating?” response. Often a lie is not really intended to hurt you. I think that it is a guy thing for dealing with being caught in a difficult spot.
Dear RB,
From time to time, my boss asks me to stay late, come in early or to come in on a Saturday, all of which I’ve been doing, even putting off my own family’s needs so that she can get her projects done well and on time.
I don’t want to seem unwilling, but I think it’s a bit unfair to ask me to work extra, especially since I have children to look after and it costs me money to come in to work, whereas she has no children and is eligible for overtime pay as a contract worker. I’m not.
Although she has been really nice (she has dropped me home a couple of times after work), she has never offered to help me with the extra costs (taxi fare, helper’s money, etc). My question is this, how can I ask her to help me out without looking licky-licky?
Dear Overworked and Underpaid,
I believe that you have a good boss, who is just not sensitive to your needs. She is focused on the work. It is time to ask for a raise. Approach the request from the point of view that both of you have been doing this extra work for some time now, and that it is obviously necessary and valuable.
Find out from your friends or colleagues how much money your job is worth, and think carefully about your organisation and its salary ranges. Ask for a raise that is in line with what you know. And remember that you are a valuable part of the team. If it were not so you would not be there. Good luck.
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