She only wanted my seed
Dear counsellor,
I met my second child’s mother at my workplace. All was well until she got pregnant. She knew I wanted a son so she lied and told me that she didn’t know the gender of the child. She also pretended to make plans for the birth of our child at one hospital while she had already done so at another. I wanted to be there when she gave birth to our daughter but I was not informed when her water broke or when she checked into the hospital and which hospital it was. I asked why none of this was told to me and she said her doctor changed her plans at the last minute.
After our daughter was born I told her we needed to work out some issues but she showed very little interest. I visited the house to see my daughter and she didn’t want me to leave with her. I got upset and left with her but she followed me. I told her that I wanted my daughter to spend time with me and she said I’d have to go to court to get that. She now refuses to take money for my child. What do you think I should do, counsellor? She only wanted my seed!
It appears that the relationship was engulfed in a shroud of deceit and distrust which are elements of a dysfunctional relationship. It is even more pathetic when a child is involved.
As you reported, everything went well until pregnancy; the question is what went wrong? Is it that pregnancy was never on the cards? Is it that the office romance went beyond the stated or unstated boundaries and one party is blaming and punishing the other for breaking the rules?
It would be useful to hear her side of the story to gain a better understanding of the situation.
If she deliberately misled you regarding the sex and birth of the child, this would be most unfortunate. What message is she sending you? Is she saying she does not want you to play any role in the child’s life? What is it that you may have done to this woman that has made her so resentful towards you?
A woman tends to respond to emotional hurt by denying the man something or someone he cares about as this is one way she can retain power psychologically.
If, as you have indicated, she only wanted your seed for the pregnancy, then this too is most unfortunate.
The fact is, there are some women out there who intentionally get pregnant, not because they want to establish a family but because they want babies and the men only serve as the conduit through which this mission is accomplished.
Why all of this is unfortunate is that innocent children are caught up in the sordid mix. Some of the emotional and psychological scars that many adults have today are due to the bitter parental conflicts they were exposed to and experienced as children. The child who is caught up in the “war” between two adults who happen to be his/her parents, will no doubt be psychologically impacted and emotionally impaired by the ongoing unwholesome events.
As the father of the child you have the right and responsibility to freely exercise your paternal role, unless the courts order otherwise. You should be allowed to visit the child and establish a bond. You are correct, discussions must be had between the both of you two work out the visitation arrangements. Taking away the child will not help the situation, so avoid that practice. If it is that both of you can’t successfully negotiate an amicable agreement then third party intervention may be necessary. Counselling is always a good place to start. Court directive should be the last resort.
Advice to parents:
The child does not deserve to be exposed to an unhealthy and toxic home and family environment. Every effort must be made to shield the child and envelop him/her in love. If for some reason you both can’t get along, for heaven’s sake, be mature and responsible and don’t draw the child in the mix. The child will be impacted by the tensions that exist which will most certainly affect his/her emotional and psychological development.
Send questions to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com. The counsellor does not offer legal or medical advice.
