This is how you’ll know you’re bad in bed
IT stands to reason for some that a good imagination, a reliance on fiction romance or Penthouse-type literature, topped with a heavy dose of early morning visits to adult WWWs should be sufficient to ensure that they scrape through with a B+ average when it comes to between the sheets action.
And they’ll go for years on this presumption, no one letting them in on the truth.
But those really in the know will tell you that it takes years of experience, a willingness to experiment, a willingness to please, and a willingness to learn, to get to that stage when you’re a certified moan-inducer. So how do you know which category you fall into?
In category two, there are no ifs ands or maybes, your guy or gal will be smiling 24/365, through rain and drought, through good times and bad.
Can’t relate? Here’s how to know you’re in category one — bad in bed.
For guys:
1. In the middle of things she asks if you remembered to feed the guinea pig and whether you’d got round to setting traps for the rat. If she can have a whole series of comprehensive thought processes going on when you’re channelling Marvin Gaye, you’re bad at it.
2. It’s been four months since you got intimate and she’s making no attempt to bed you, and you’re sure she’s not cheating, yet you know it’s not natural for anyone to go without loving for so long. The problem may be you, and the fact that she won’t even break the drought if she knows she won’t be satisfied.
3. She jumps out of bed the second it’s over and heads for the shower to wash you out of her hair, or heads for the nightstand to resume reading Fifty Shades of Grey, all with a loooooooong, sad sigh.
4. She doesn’t even attempt to pretend that she’s not faking it, and she’s oohing and ahhing between yawns.
5. She does not make any sounds at all and when you ask, she tells you that don’t worry, she’s making all the appropriate sounds in her mind.
For girls:
1. He says ‘oh, that was interesting’ after your sack session and starts looking at the clock.
2. You invite him to your place for a lunch time quickie and he says he decided to repent and go back into the church as the ways of the world aren’t for him, even though last week he was gung ho about bringing out the devil in you.
3. He says he just wants to cuddle and bursts out crying when you crack out the whips and chains, and threatens to call the police because he’s really not that kind of guy anymore, swear.
