Here’s why you shouldn’t get married
THE other day I met a guy, 5ft 9, perfect body, rigged muscles like the bow of a ship, beautiful smile, clean shoes, cologne that lingers, nice watch, belt matching shoes, real pearly white teeth, well-groomed hair and no wedding band.
As he approached me and I salivated like I just ate a piece of tamarind, I started thinking about this beautiful specimen of a man. He had swag about him, real confidence and poise, and I immediately started saying to myself, “I hope his girlfriend just died and he is finding it hard to get over her, so I can immediately fill that void that she has left”.
He walked over like a GQ model and he said hi, and I politely returned the salutation. He then proceeded to indulge me in some real good conversation, and I obliged because it is a breath of fresh air nowadays when you can meet a Jamaican man who can actually converse sensibly — and in English. Then, after chatting for about half an hour, with me grinning like the Cheshire puss, he asked the million-dollar question, “are you single?”
Immediately, I started imagining myself walking down the aisle with this gorgeous hunk of a man, in this nice beautiful gown with my Uncle Porter giving me away, and having a great time on our honeymoon exploring some of the things I read/learnt in 50 Shades of Grey. Then, like a swift grab, something pulled me back to reality and I immediately responded firmly, “yes”. He said, “Awesome, that is good to hear”. I was pleased with myself at that point because I could not believe that I had just attracted the last handsome, intelligent bachelor left in Jamaica.
So just for formality, you know, just to tie up the deal, I decided to ask if he was single. In the middle of my daydreaming and waiting to hear the answer “yes”, I thought I heard the answer “no”, but I didn’t want to believe, so I asked again. He boldly replied, “I am married”.
At this point my dream came to a screeching halt. He repeated without hesitation, “I am happily married”. So, I snapped immediately and demanded to know why the hell he would want to know if I am single if he’s married. He calmly replied, “Well, because I have not been DATING lately and you seem to be the type of girl who would make me want to resume that life”.
My jaw dropped and I thought to myself, did he just tell me that he is dating and married in the same line? He did not just walk over here and waste 30 minutes of my time even though I had nothing better to do. He didn’t just urinate on my plans of being that beautiful bride, and he didn’t just say that he wanted to date other people while he is still “happily” married. All of a sudden he wasn’t looking so good to me anymore and my mouth got dry. Immediately I remembered where I was going, I excused myself and went on my way.
I became more and more pissed about what had just transpired between me and Mr World. I was thinking, marriage is not a T-shirt that you take off and put on when it is convenient; it is not a toy that you pick up at the toy store; it is a serious institution and if you make that conscious decision to get married, you should respect the sanctity of marriage. This leads me to advise all married men that if they are in a marriage and want to do the things below, this marriage thing is not for them.
Mark my words, you men are going to be severely punished by the one who ordained marriage if you continue to indulge in this bad behaviour.
1.If you are married and the only time you wear your wedding band is when you are approaching your house, you shouldn’t be married.
2.If you are married and you keep forgetting, or you keep behaving as if you are single, spare the world and your wife the problem and go back from whence you came. Go back to your single life.
3.If you are married and you still want to date other people, get a divorce. Marriage doesn’t allow you to do both.
4.If you are married and you constantly stay away from your home, sleep with other women, and reserve only holidays for your wife and children, please leave the institution. You are a disgrace.
5.If you are married and you and your wife have not been intimate for more than three months, not because she is overseas, but because you are keeping malice with her, you two need serious counselling. If this prolongs for over a year, divorce is automatic, not cheating.
6.If you are married and you are in an open relationship where your wife can do whatever she wants and you can do whatever you want, then clearly marriage is not for you. A single life with conditions, perhaps, but not a marriage that is sanctioned by God.
7. If you are married and you are sleeping with multiple women because you believe your wife should not expect you to be exclusive with her, as exclusivity is not natural, stay away from marriage.
Shornee is an adventurer who likes to give a comedic spin to intense issues. A single professional, she writes to keep sane.
