How to really, really get over him

JUST because you may have thrown the brother out, put Beyoncé’s Irreplaceable on full blast, burned all his clothes and changed your Facebook status to ‘single’, won’t necessarily mean that after a break-up you can easily pick up the pieces and move on as if nothing happened.

If you were really into the relationship, it won’t be an easy task moving on, especially, for instance, when you’re forever bonded to him through a child.

We don’t believe the methods used for getting over a break-up should fall into the same cookie cutter ‘five stages of grief’ mould, indeed, some break-ups demand that you reach for other skills in order to move on.

“In some cases, it will take years to move on; others are stuck at one stage — more likely the grief stage — for a very long time, and other persons have to deal with the death of their relationship and the rebirth of their ex’s new life,” Counsellor David Anderson said.

“So not everyone will be able to get over it in a few months, years… counselling won’t work for everyone, and depending on the situation, your method of moving on may involve even the radical.”

So how do you get over it when he…

Cheated on you

Accept the fact that he wasn’t faithful and stop beating yourself up that it was your fault. You could have been a superb acrobat in bed and it wouldn’t have made any difference.

It’s no use crying over spilt milk. Don’t go out of your way to find the woman he cheated with you on, trying to make her life miserable. Chances are, she didn’t know about you and if she did and went with it, then just remember that what goes around comes around.

Yes, it hurts, but there is someone out there waiting to give you all the love you deserve. Stop blocking your own progress by dwelling on what he did.

Wouldn’t commit to you, but married the woman who came after you

This can be devastating, but it’s a situation many, many women face — having a man tell you that he’s not ready to quit being a bachelor, and then seeing him settle down with a wife and kids immediately after dumping you.

This can kill your self-esteem, but you shouldn’t allow those feelings to linger. View it as your chance to actually meet your real Mr Right, or as a compliment — that you groomed him so well, he switched from a boy to a man.

Also use the chance to explore what went wrong — including, probably, the fact that you were giving off signals that you weren’t ready to settle down, and try not to make the same mistake in other relationships if you’re really looking for a hubby.

Is still in your life

This can be tricky if you share kids with him, or you work or go to school with him. Having your ex still be a part of your life can exacerbate ill feelings, especially if the break-up was acrimonious. You won’t be able to fully heal, especially if he tries the old ‘we can still be friends’ trick, or if you have to see him all the time when you’d rather not.

If you can, try to cut back on the interaction, or interact only in groups. Do not entertain discussions about your relationship. Be strong in public and weep in private, if you must. And above all, open your network so your life isn’t just about him, and thoughts of him.

Still wants you

For whatever reason — the relationship is over. If he has a problem accepting that then you have to get it through to him that you have moved on. If he keeps showing up at your place as if he is still the man of the house, then it’s time to be really firm. If that’s still not reaching him, bring in outside help.

Don’t ask his friends about his state of mind, he just might take your genuine concern for something else.

If he is persistent in still pursuing you, then you need to be even more firm when it comes to showing him that you’re done. Hopefully, the message will finally sink in and he will quit hanging around.

Switched sides

Most women can accept cheating; it hurts, but not as much as finding out that your man has a thing for the same sex. It can turn a woman’s world completely upside down and leave her with more questions than answers. How come she missed all the signs? How could he be so passionate for her and still have desires for a man? How could he be a caring father?

Whether he confessed or you found out on your own doesn’t really matter — you have to deal with the issue and move on.

It won’t be easy, but hating him, cursing and bringing down the wrath of God won’t change the fact of what he is.

Accept that you are not at fault. If children are involved, depending on their age, you have to decide how and when to talk to them about it.

Just because he is gay doesn’t mean he has stopped being a father; don’t allow your feelings of hurt and bitterness to mess up your children’s lives. It’s only natural to feel betrayed and angry, so if you can’t control your emotions then call in professional help.

Most important of all, make sure you do a HIV test right away.

Is the one that got away

Many of us think with fond memories on that special one who ‘got away’. For one reason or the other, the relationship never made it to the ultimate stage you wanted it to and the ‘what if’ thoughts still linger, so much so that some even risk messing up a good relationship to explore the ‘what could have been’.

Whatever there could have been, the time for that has passed. There’s no use messing up a good thing to explore what you aren’t even certain would have been a great experience anyway.

Whatever the reason things didn’t work out, let it go and stop fantasising about something that is just grand in your head alone.

The more the idea sticks in your head that he ‘got away’, the more difficult it will be for you to accept that that door is closed. Do yourself a favour and focus on something or someone else.