He wants a DNA test
Dear Counsellor,
I got married to a man who I thought was very wonderful and loving. We had been together for five years before we got married. During those five years we broke up twice — the first time for nine months and the second time for three. Each time I was the one to take him back after he returned. He cheated on me three times and I forgave him. I have never cheated on him. Now married, we had a huge argument and my husband left the house. We have been separated for the past five months. I am pregnant with our first child and he has neglected me totally. He accused me of cheating on him and claims that he wants to do a DNA test on the baby. He has already been seeing other women. He has made it clear to me that the marriage is over and he does not want anything to do with me. We went through several sessions of counselling now that we are separated but he still insists that the marriage is over. He said his mind will not be cleared until after he has done the DNA and he is certain that the child is his. I am still in love with him and I am still hoping that that he will come around when the baby is born. Should I hold on or should I let go?
It is really distressing when the nice and decent people we meet turn out to be our worst nightmares. After the novelty of a relationship wears off, usually the true nature of the person comes to the fore and you are in a state of shock and awe wondering where this “monster” came from. The truth is, the bad personality traits of the person were always present but like the iceberg, the tip was what is revealed in the earlier stages of the relationship. On many occasions the emerging bad habits and attitudes are ignored by the partner whose eyes are blinded by the dazzling lights of love and so as the relationship develops, the iceberg rises and the monster is unleashed.
As you reported, your husband cheated on you three times and on each occasion you extended forgiveness. Did he on these occasions express remorse and was penitent? It appears that this was not the case and your forgiveness was an automatic response to ensure he did not leave. Now it appears that all the goodwill and pardon that you freely dispensed did not redound to the desired stability of the relationship.
It would appear that as far as your husband is concerned he is moving on or has moved on. He certainly has tuned out emotionally and that usually precedes the physical and legal separation. He obviously wanted out and so the flare up was the excuse he needed to make his move seem justifiable.
So now he ascribes blame to you regarding the legitimacy of the child you are carrying, insisting that a DNA test be carried out to determine the father of the child. What reasons would he have to believe that he may not be the father of the child you are carrying? Or is it a case of guilty conscience on his part?
The results of the DNA in your favour and the actual birth of the child may soften his heart somewhat but will not necessarily reignite his love for you. He may well be there for the child and play his role as a good father but that is no guarantee that he will be there as a loyal and loving husband.
I take it you want to restore the relationship but it can’t happen if you alone want it. He has to share the same desire and from all indications he has no such interest. You have to decide what is in your best interest and that of the child that you are carrying. Your emotional, physical health and well-being are critical at this time. You may need to continue individual counselling to assist you to cope with the distressing situation.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com
