I don’t like my husband

Dear Counsellor,I am a very committed Christian and have been married to my husband, also a Christian, for 30 years.

I stayed in the marriage for several reasons — God, church and family — as I was being taught and counselled by our spiritual leader.

The person I am married to is someone I would never be friends with if we were not married. As my husband, and a child of God, I respect him, but I have no desire to live with him. I could list all the reasons why I don’t like him as a husband or friend, but they mostly speak to past experiences of rejection and insecurity from him. This has led to my reaching out to other male companions to meet those needs in my life, something I am certainly not proud of.

In the process of me becoming completely disengaged from the marriage, our spiritual leaders requested that we both go into counselling and I agreed, thinking the sessions would have helped my husband see where he could improve for his next partner, as I had no desire to apply any of the advice given during the 10-week session. The bottom line is, I have been told during these sessions that as a Christian, I do not have the option to leave the marriage as I would be disobedient to the word of God, so it is my responsibility to resolve the differences and move on, which my husband is in total agreement with.

I get depressed heading home from work every day. I isolate myself most of the time, and go to a room where I do not have to communicate and do a lot of reading to occupy my thoughts. I have no one I can confide in about my situation as all my friends attend the same church and they would never understand. It has been five years now that I have been feeling this way, and I dream of a life where I am allowed to make a decision that makes me happy.

I am desperate for a way out.

“The person I am married to is someone I would never be friends with, if we were not married”. This is the most disturbing statement of your letter.

Your spouse should always have the pride of place of being your friend, if not your best friend. So to be with someone for such a long time and not share that kind of special bond is most disconcerting.

It would have been interesting to know what attracted you to your husband 30 years ago and what has happened since then. You mentioned past experiences of rejection and insecurity as reasons for your present feelings, and so it appears you have suffered emotional and psychological hurt. If the source of these issues was not urgently addressed but allowed to fester over the years, you would certainly become withdrawn as your self-esteem would have been impaired.

This is a lesson to younger couples to work on whatever challenges they may have early in their relationship, even it means seeking third-party intervention. To sweep the issue under the carpet and hope it will resolve itself is courting problems that will haunt you for years to come.

Emotional abuse is just as destructive as physical abuse, and if left unattended can create serious conflicts in the relationship.

What was your motive for attending the 10-week counselling sessions? You seemed to have done them to appease your spiritual leaders since you indicated that you had no intention of applying the advice to improving your marriage. You definitely have checked out of the marriage emotionally and are merely existing from day to day.

If you truly long for a life where you can make a decision that would make you happy, then you would need to squarely confront those unresolved issues that have made you so distraught. Individual sessions are recommended to assist in this process.

The options you have are rooted and influenced by your religious beliefs, and so an honest talk with your pastor may help to shed some light on your real concerns and help you decide the way forward.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.