Learning your partner’s love language

EFFECTIVE communication is an essential element in every good relationship. In order to communicate effectively; however, both persons must be speaking the same language. Oftentimes relationships and marriages are plagued by frequent disagreements, unmet needs and dissatisfaction, simply because the love has been lost in translation.

Do you feel as though your partner is just not understanding you, or do you fear that you are not loving him the right way? Considering your partner’s love language and understanding how he loves you and wants to be loved can help you to become bilingual.

“According to Gary Chapman, author of the book The Five Love Languages, there are five languages that are pertinent to how we relate to each other within relationships,” says author and relationship coach TB Fuller. “These languages underpin the way we express love, and the way we want to be loved.”

Fuller explains that the five love languages identified by Chapman are quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gifting.

“The full idea is each of us likes to receive love in all of these five areas to some extent; however, our main love language are the two we score highest in after completing the love language test,” she says.

But while you can try out fun love language tests online to know your language, it may not be as easy to figure out your partner’s. Fuller suggests that you pay keen attention to how they show love and respond to different things.

“Other than sending them a link to complete the test, you can tell by the way they give/show love,” she says. “The truth is we speak the language we understand — the one that we are fluent in speaking. We speak patois because we understand it and it’s easier to get your point across in this native tongue. Similarly, people tend to give the love they want.”

She says that, for example, a partner who is consistently encouraging you and filling you up with words of kindness desires to be encouraged with words of affirmation. “And a partner who likes scheduling things to do together will appreciate love through quality time,” she says.

“Another indicator is by the things they will say. If you often hear that ‘You don’t spend enough time with me’, this may be an indication that their love language is quality time. Or ‘I have to do all this by myself, you don’t help me with anything’, which is an indication of their love language being acts of service.

It is not enough to just know what language your partner speaks, Fuller says. To achieve the longevity and mutual satisfaction that you crave in your relationship, it is important that you try to speak your partner’s love language.

Fuller recommends the following as ways to show love to your partner who speaks either language:

Quality time

“This person will enjoy date nights, picnics, games nights, and just about doing anything together,” Fuller says. “What’s most important is that you set aside time to spend with them and show them that you care.”

Acts of service

“Offer to help this partner with chores, run a few errands, or help lift a burden. This partner loves to see your love in action.”

Gifts

“Random gifts with an intentional note will make this person feel loved,” Fuller says. “For example, a pack of Raisinets with two movie passes for her and a girlfriend, or a package deal for him and his friends to go paintball shooting.” Fuller advises that you don’t forget to give this person seasonal gifts such as on birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day and anniversaries.

Words of affirmation

“You can show this partner that you love them by offering constant encouragement,” Fuller recommends. “Send them a supportive text, remind them of their strengths and potential, and reiterate your belief in their talents and skills.”

Physical touch

This partner loves physical intimacy and believes it is the ultimate display of affection. “Rubbing your partner’s feet for seven minutes before bed, or massaging their scalp, shoulder or back is always a good idea,” Fuller suggests. “Randomly giving them a kiss on the neck or a touch on the glutes will make their day.”