Kicking, hitting, biting, crying – What to do with the aggressive child

IT’S not unusual for toddlers to have angry outbursts or throw tantrums, including episodes of kicking, hitting, biting and crying.

And while these behaviours may be symptoms of a much bigger problem that could spiral into chronic aggressive and antisocial behaviour later in childhood and adolescence, clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell said that not only is a natural part of the child’s development, but with appropriate guidance and firm parenting, kids’ behaviours usually improve without the need for any professional intervention.

“Toddlers are at a stage when they are just learning to navigate the world around them. They are acquiring speech and locomotion and language is still evolving. Their primary way of communicating is non-verbal. Many times when they are misunderstood, they experience frustration, and frustration can lead to aggressive behaviours and temper tantrums,” Dr Bell explained.

Taming your child’s aggression, even when it seems excessive and overwhelming, Dr Bell says, is a job that many parents can do on their own, once they can commit to being firm and patient. See tips on how she says it can be done below.

Teach your child about feelings

“It’s never too early to teach your child about feelings. The truth is, an inability to properly express the way they feel is the root of the undesirable behaviours that we see in small children,” Dr Bell said. She encouraged parents to introduce words like mad, sad, happy and even scared into regular conversation by labelling feelings for them as you see them playing out. This way they will learn over time to express how they feel on their own without resorting to other behaviours that they believe would best represent how they feel.

Explore ways with your child how to regulate emotions

There are several activities that you could explore with your child on regulating emotions. So, for example, you can use the diagram of a thermometer and teach your child how to associate different levels on the thermometer with different levels of aggression that they are feeling. You can use little stickers to guide the levels of anger that the child believes he or she is experiencing. You will then suggest coping or cool down mechanisms for your child. So, for example, encourage them to take deep breaths, tell them to count to ten, encourage them to walk away and sit by themselves for a while and/or just take a break from what they are doing, or the person triggering their anger.

Identify your child’s trigger and help them to diffuse it

Most children who become aggressive often have triggers. “This is why if you notice your child is aggressive you have to observe them, is there a pattern? Do they tend to be more aggressive at a certain place, with a certain person or people, or while doing a particular activity? This could be a clue into the root cause of their aggression. Patterns are reliable,” Dr Bell underscored. If possible, she says it’s best parents do not respond to the negative behaviours right away because children may start using this as a way to get attention. Instead, she said when the child calms down, talk them through it, and help them to see how they can deal with anger without becoming violent or loud.

Don’t feed your children violent content

We understand that the COVID pandemic has meant more screen time for children; there are so many hours in the day and parents might not always have a tight schedule planned throughout the day. “If you are going to share screen time with your children, it is important that you remember that your child is watching with you. When children consume violent content they will likely begin to portray actions, therefore making the problems worse,” Dr Bell explained.

Establish rules and follow through with the consequences

Children must understand that for every action there is a reaction. “Positive actions, for example, are usually accompanied by rewards, while there are consequences for bad behaviour,” Dr Bell reasoned. She said that as you teach your children appropriate versus inappropriate behaviour, make sure that you establish rules and explain the associated consequences for each. So whether you are going to take something the child likes, cut back on playtime, or put the child in time out, the most important thing is that you should ALWAYS follow through. Failing to do this sends a message to the child that they can continue to feed into their aggression because the established consequences carry no weight.

“A bonus tip to is to make sure that you always reward good behaviour in the same way that you hold up the consequences for bad ones; many parents find this strategy effective,” Dr Bell advised.