Women, let your men cry
“JESUS wept” is the shortest verse in the Bible — it’s found in John 11:35. It’s a profound verse. Why? Because it documents the fact that God in Jesus Christ “bawled” over the condition of His people, and the condition of people in general. God cried. So why is this relevant? Because if God can be saddened, to the extent of tears, so can your guy — so can your husband, your father, brother and son.
But women often don’t ‘allow’ men the space to show their sadness. Many women have been socialised not to accept tears from men. Somehow society has conjured up a state where men who show emotion, especially sadness, are deemed to be weak and lesser men. How many mothers have told their sons “big boys don’t cry”? Yet the boys are in excruciating pain. Is that helpful or hurtful?
Many men have heard the words “you’re insensitive” from a partner who seems to demand an emotionally-with-it guy. She wants responses that show he “feels something” as they deal with issues. But many men have also testified to what happens when they do let down their hair. She seems to not be able to handle his tears when he opens up. She often wants him to deal with hurt and disappointments “like a man” — don’t bawl and whine about it.
I saw a photo circulating on social media of a man sitting at a table in tears. The woman who’d shared the photo was his wife. She was mocking him for sitting in the corner at a table in tears over a situation of disappointment. It is a difficulty that men must navigate in relationships — how to be emotional, but not too emotional, how to be sensitive, but not too sensitive.
It’s similar to having to be an alpha-male, strong and decisive, but remembering to be beta-male enough, fully in touch with your feminine side. It seems society demands a careful dance from men with regard to romantic relationships. I will not forget a particular husband who was so broken from trying to be there for his wife and family, he eventually erupted with uncontrollable bawling. He was a tough guy, a senior black belt in martial arts. Yet holding it together for quite a while caused him to ‘dam up’ — and the dam broke that day. He, crying, ran to hide under his bed. I’ve never forgotten that scene.
The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 3, “To everything there is a season… A time to weep, and a time to laugh.” The passage doesn’t put a monopoly on weeping by women. I’ve always liked the biblical character King David. He’s the shepherd-teen that slew the giant Goliath. Women sang songs about his competence: “Saul has killed his thousands, but David, his tens of thousands”. If ever there was an alpha-male, David was it. Yet many overlook the frequency with which the Bible mentions that David “wept”, and “wept bitterly”. Which obviously made him no less a competent warrior.
Wives, mothers, girlfriends must give the males in their life room enough to show sadness without respecting them any less. Understand that tears can be therapeutic for men too and that there is strength in tears. When women cry it is not a sign of weakness, but simply a state of the soul. If God could say, in Christ, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even unto death” (Matthew 26:38) how likely is it then, that your very strong fellow might experience occasions of deep sadness too? Handle the truth!
Rev Christopher Brodber is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail him at chrisbrodber@yahoo.com.
