My marriage is like a sweatshop
GOOD DAY,
My husband of four years says he’s just not an affectionate person, but his coldness takes the cake. He wasn’t always like this, but there were several red flags. Like before we got married I had a miscarriage, and he left me downstairs going through the pain all by myself, while he went to bed. Now that we’re married he’s got even colder. He ignores me when I’m sick, expected me to get up and go immediately after my C-section, and just generally is an awful person, except for when he wants sex. Believe me, he wasn’t like this when we met — he was very attentive, even a bit clingy and overprotective — but now he treats me like how a sweatshop boss treats his workers. How can I mend this? I feel extremely lonely in this marriage and I’m just longing for some care and affection.
Hello Writer,
Thanks for taking the time to reach out. Yes, you deserve to be cared for and to feel supported adequately. You are worth it! You deserve it! The Bible reminds us, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it.” — Ephesians 5:25. This admonition is included in the Bible, I perceive, because of a woman’s needs. It is apparent that a wife will need to perceive and to feel ‘sacrificial support’ from her husbands. Security is generally a concern for a woman, and a husband is a privileged source to allay her fears. He is to make her feel comfortable and confident, as best he can, through his presence, provisions and protection.
My concern:
• That there were “several red flags”: I would like to know if you received premarital counselling sessions, especially with your perceiving that there were “red flags”. And if not, why not. “If you see it, you have to say it, both to your prospective spouse and to someone who has the ability to help. Or else, you must shut that relationship down. Red flags must never be overlooked!
• His ignoring you during your miscarriage: I have to wonder if he was aware of what was happening. Did he know that you were experiencing a miscarriage? I know that a miscarriage can be traumatic for a man too, yet it can be more so for the woman, and it can be life-threatening to her too.
• His expectations immediately after your C-section: A man in love generally does not behave like this. A mature man generally does not behave like this. It begs the question, is he trying to be spiteful. This cannot just be his “not being an affectionate person”.
• Your perceiving him has an “awful person”: This is a very strong indictment. It seems your relationship needs urgent intervention. It would seem you had pertinent questions about his character prior to your marriage that really should have been answered.
My recommendation:
• Urgent counselling: The situation you are in is very unhealthy. This condition doesn’t allow for a progressive healthy home. You both need to sit with a qualified counsellor that can advise you both of the necessary steps to take to try to resuscitate the marriage. The counsellor will need to advise your spouse on his short-comings, as well as to hear from him if there may be any background issues that are causing this behaviour. You both may need individual counselling sessions, along with joint sessions. Family Life Ministries is a place that offers qualified and competent counsellors.
• Better communication — Talking tends to help. A good heart-to-heart is always therapeutic, and can provide real answers, to clear up misunderstandings. Your husband needs to hear you and to know how you are feeling. Remember, talking ‘at’ him is not the intention — talking ‘with’ him is. Give sitting down with him for a heart-to-heart a shot.
I pray that you both are able to find ‘happily ever after’.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
