My husband doesn’t know I tied my tubes
Dear Counsellor,
I have a bit of a moral dilemma. I had two children before I got married, and my husband also had two. He’s always said he wanted two more, and I laughingly consented to one. We love each other, and have a wonderful union with our blended family. Our life is perfect. There’s only one problem — I didn’t tell him that I got my tubes tied after my second child, and he believes that we’re just struggling to conceive because we’re getting older. I don’t feel guilty about the surgery, because I definitely didn’t want to go through pregnancy again (and still don’t, so no IVF), but I feel a bit bad that each month he gets his hopes up, and even eats and drinks foods and beverages to boost his stamina. What do I do? Confession would certainly mean the end of our marriage.
Hello writer,
Thank you for reaching out. I certainly hope I can help you with this conundrum. You are right to be concerned about this situation. The Bible says, “Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden [part] thou shalt make me to know wisdom.”(Proverbs 51: 6.) Yes, telling the truth is important. There is a special clarity and an intimacy that comes with a clear conscience, and a clear conscience comes by telling the truth. This situation can be dealt with prudently. You can do this!
My concern:
• Maintaining the façade: Knowing your husband was hopeful every month and keeping him in the dark, is concerning.
• Communication: Not telling him of the tuber ligation prior to marriage indicates a shortfall from very early on.
• Initial deception: Giving the impression you wanted and could have another child. This must be a difficult weight you have been carrying.
• Fears: It seems you were afraid to tell him initially, and have been afraid to confess it for some time now. How else has this fear been impacting your marriage?
My advice:
• Confession: A clear conscience is the healthier option. If you love your husband, tell him the truth. It doesn’t make sense to keep hiding this, and hurting yourself emotionally. Nor is it good to have your husband hoping for a child and trying in vain to have one. The longer you take to share the truth with him, the harder it gets to do so, and the deeper his hurt when it comes out.
• Confession in a ‘controlled environment’: It is a difficult situation, and because your husband has been hopeful, believing you regarding “one” more, and actively trying, he will be hurt, he may be angry, and will be disappointed. He may also struggle to trust you again. Therefore it is prudent to create a proper environment to share this information. Get help from a professional counsellor. Let them know specifically what you need help with. Set up a session where they can manage the situation and provide proper guidance for you both.
Your confession may not have to mean the end of your marriage. I had a couple in a similar situation. The husband had a secret and asked if he should confess it. I told him as I am telling you. He confessed and his wife was hurt and left him. However, after a few weeks, she realized he was truly remorseful, and she gave him credit for being truthful. She came back. They are happily married today.
Maintaining such secrets is ultimately not helpful. Yes, we say some spouses “can’t handle the truth”, but we can’t handle keeping a lie either. Take responsibility for the situation and honour your spouse by giving him the truth and the option to stay or to walk away. Also, free yourself from the unnecessary weight of this situation. I pray that yours will continue to be a perfect life, not without difficulty, but where difficulties are handled perfectly.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
