Grading her B for boring

THOSE women who Jamaican men say have the “glammity” are often given descriptions like “silent river run deep” because, though they would have picked up a few tips and tricks along the way, decorum usually dictates that they’re not as cocky as men are when singing their own praises. Then there are the others who other expressions have been created to describe ­— ‘cold fish’ comes to mind — who, after any encounter with men, the men are left wondering what exactly happened.

Last week we asked women: What is something a man has done in bed that made you want to get up right away and add the experience to your journal of the most classic bedroom failures of all time? This week it’s the men’s turn to dish on the disappointments.

Angel, 40:

She spoke about all these things that she could do and had me imagining all sorts of things. But when it came time for action, she was just a bag of talk. First she just lay there, no response to anything I was doing, and when I stopped she asked what was wrong. Then when she started moving, all her movements were off balance, and she almost sent me to the hospital because she wanted to jump on me like an acrobat. It was total Jekyll and Hyde. Then when I tried something else, since I thought she was flexible, she complained that she pulled a muscle and just killed the mood.

Keith, 42:

I suggested that we shower together before because I’m not ashamed to say that I’m a little OCD when it comes to hygiene. She said she preferred to shower by herself and I was OK with that. But when things started getting heated, I realised that she didn’t really clean up as well as she should, and that was quite the turn off. And from all appearances, soap and water had never touched some places on her, yet she claimed she wanted the full freaky treatment from me.

Omar, 37:

She started taking about how Jesus would be disappointed with her, and although she liked me, it was fornication. Bear in mind that she was the one who said she wanted it, not me. In the middle of things she started praying… at first I thought she was saying, “Oh God” because I was doing good, then I realised she was actually repenting right there. She was a nice girl but I just couldn’t bother with the Christian guilt, so I just stopped. She came to me some days later and said she wanted to try again, but I’m not a sucker for that kind of punishment.

Roy, 50:

This was my ex wife and we were young and had waited until marriage. Big mistake. Don’t buy puss inna bag! I never saw her naked in the light in the entire first year, it was always in the dark, and she had rules like no touching her breasts. Though she relaxed a bit after the years went on, it was never worth it for me in the long term. She was just too boring and dead to really keep the interest of a man like me.

Robbie, 43:

She was the worst actor and I don’t know why she thought she had to be loud to try to impress me, but I had to put my hand over her mouth so my landlord and other neighbours wouldn’t hear. I wasn’t even doing anything impressive for her to be acting like that, and that’s how I know that women are the worst liars. She was behaving like I was the best, when I personally know that my game isn’t all that. In the end I just had to tell her to calm down as I was going to pay her light bill anyway, she didn’t have to work so hard for it.