I’m no longer attracted to my wife
DEAR COUNSELLOR,
I’m not attracted to my wife anymore since she had our twins, and I’m ashamed of myself for even writing this. I’m ashamed for thinking the thoughts I do, but I need help in expressing them as I don’t dare say anything to my wife. Not only has there been major physical changes to her body (it’s been a year and she refuses to go to the gym or even exercise with me, or even shower sometimes), her attitude has changed too, and she’s just sour-faced all the time and unpleasant to be around. Intimacy between us is rare and quick, and just her general ‘get done and get off me fast’ attitude is a turn-off. And because she’s so disgusting, all I can see are her flaws, and I’m so turned off. What can I do? I have spoken to her about trying to be a kinder, gentler person, but in the way some women change physically after a baby, she changed personalities as well. I help her with the kids, and we have a nanny and someone who cleans, so she can’t say she’s overwhelmed. I want a divorce, but our friends and family will probably say that I’m terrible for leaving my family and young children. Your views, please.
Okay, you are turned off from your wife. You feel ashamed for thinking the way you do and you’re feeling like getting a divorce. I am glad that you’ve reached out to me before doing anything conclusive. Marriage and family life can certainly be difficult at times. Yes, it can often feel overwhelming. Seeking help is always such a smart move. I must commend you for taking the time and being confident to connect with me.
Let me give you some general information though — the Bible prescribes this in 1 Peter 3:7 (NLT): “You husbands must give honour to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together…”
Women go through much sacrifice when they become wives and mothers. You should know and respect that. They often become vulnerable as they give up their independence to become interdependent. Emotional and physical demands on them as a wives and mothers are often significant. Therefore, the Bible instructs that men honour and respect their wives and seek to understand their sacrifice. So please do not use words like “disgusting” to describe your wife, she’s the mother of your children.
Here’s what to do:
Try to encourage yourself: You have a wonderful family and a wonderful opportunity. You have also been blessed with twins. Some families are pressed praying to have even one child. Celebrate the fact that you are a husband and a dad. Oftentimes we lose sight of our amazing privileges. Remember, gratitude gives you altitude — it can guarantee an amazing life. Be encouraged!
Speak to your wife: She deserves your compassion. She’s brought your twins into the world at the risk to her life. She may be going through post-partum depression or another challenge. Your being kind and gentle with her can actually change everything for both of you. I urge you to ignore the “flaws” that you’ve mentioned, and just support her as she recovers. Remember, you pledged “for better or worse”. Give her frequent words of affirmation and love.
Get a counsellor: Before thinking seriously about divorce get a good counsellor and try to work through this difficult period. The situation may be salvageable and your marriage can yet be fantastic. Believe me, you are not the first and you won’t be the last guy to experience this situation. However, determine to do your best and be your best for the sake of your family. So get additional help. You can always reach out to me via the website www.counsellorscouch.com if necessary.
I pray you’ll find your way back to happiness as a husband and father.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
