Fiancé assumed I was a virgin but…
Dear Counsellor,
My fiancé and I have been together for six years, since the final year of college, and we have never been intimate. He says he wants to save his first time for marriage, and assumes that I’m a virgin too, but I’m not. For a long time I just went along with what he believed, because I just couldn’t bother and didn’t know we would last this long. Now he says we should set a wedding date, and he is making all these plans for our honeymoon, and our future. The thing is, if it was just one guy he could probably forgive me and we could move on, but I’m, let’s just say, a very experienced woman. I know I’ve got myself into a pickle, but I don’t know what to do at this point. I’ve never told him that I was a virgin; somehow he just assumed I was, and I don’t see that as my fault. I really don’t want to lose this man and I need to preserve my relationship, but I also know that purity is important to him. Can you help a girl out?
Well, sure. I’ll advise you as best I can from my knowledge of the dynamics of romance, marriage, and faith. You’re anxious about your fiancé realising you’re not a virgin, when he assumed you are. Truth is, he might not even be able to realise that you’re not a virgin on his own. However, deception is NEVER a good way to start a life together. You knowing that he assumes something is true and not correcting him, that’s still deception. Don’t lose yourself being fearful about losing him — be bold and be honest!
Trust and transparency are imperative in romance. Without these you can’t have a deeply intimate romantic relationship. Here’s a side note — people often confuse sexual intercourse for intimacy. True intimacy is more than working up a sweat under the sheets. Intimacy is about revealing your true self and being vulnerable to someone you trust, who equally reveals themselves and becomes vulnerable to you too. Genuine intimacy isn’t possible without genuine transparency and vulnerability. So you’ll need to be transparent if you do care about him.
I suggest:
Talk to him: Sit down with him in an appropriate setting and have a good heart-to-heart talk. Let him know that you love him and want to marry him, then tell him he assumed something about you that was incorrect. Tell him that you’ve had sex a few times before, though you’ve been chaste for six years. Tell him you look forward and will cherish being the one that he’ll have his first encounter with. Let him know that that time with him will matter more to you than any other — and, you’ll have to make that statement true.
Do your due diligence: Yes, abstinence is the optimal practice before marriage, especially when all the other necessary preparation accompanies it. That is, doing the work to make sure you know his past and understanding him well too. I certainly insist that couples get premarital counselling, in order to ferret out possible secrets — PREVENT NEGATIVE SURPRISES IN YOUR MARRIAGE.
Get some answers: Ascertain – 1) That he’s healthy and can actually have sex. 2) That he’s not homosexual or bisexual. 3) That you’ll both be on the same page sexually. (And no, premarital sex doesn’t absolutely answer these questions.) Consider getting copies of my books from Amazon, or scheduling a session with me via www.counsellorscouch.com.
Understand ‘purity’: Purity involves your present state of mind. (Titus 1:15 NIV is interesting) If you’re able to discipline yourself and keep to your commitments then you’re achieving present purity. And the good thing about “the walk of faith” is that we can acknowledge missteps and start the walk toward purity anew.
I pray that you both certainly achieve happily ever after.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
