He’s breaking up our little family
Dear Counsellor,
I had a baby two months ago, and we both live with the baby’s father. It’s not an ideal situation, especially knowing the way I came to live with him — basically, it was a one-night stand after a school reunion and I got pregnant, and I informed his fiancée, who left him. I have known him since high school and liked him, but I wasn’t his type. He made me move in close to the time I was to give birth, as despite everything, he wanted to be a present father. The problem is, he has now asked me to leave, and I don’t want to go. I am now used to this life, and thought that once he had a family, he would see me differently. But he keeps his distance. He said he will get a nanny for the baby, but I have to go. What can I do, because I want to keep my family. I suspect he is rekindling things with his ex.
My! You settled into a role with a hope that the baby, yourself and the baby’s father would remain together as a family. And that hope’s now being dashed. It is certainly understandable if you’re in panic mode.
Sex with the wrong person, at the wrong time, under the wrong circumstances, can absolutely bring much panic and anxiety. However, though it may not seem so right now, just know that the situation could be much worse.
This is the challenge with having sex: Carrying out the act with someone never quite guarantees that that party will even like you the moment or day after. The passion-filled, frantic encounter promises you little in terms of support and love afterwards. I once heard a person refer to their having slept with someone as a “careless – – – -“. To think that you can be intimate, kissing and caressing, and then classify the encounter in a most derogatory manner! Please note, much thought must be put into choosing a partner for sex.
My counsel:
Take responsibility for yourself: Start with understanding that you made the choice to sleep with him when you did. Then once you note that, be purposeful about making decisions to now lift yourself up. The baby is a blessing, but the circumstance don’t quite seem blessed. Determine that the rest of your life will be the best of your life.
Move out: I don’t quite understand you saying, “he made me move in.” Unless it was by force, which would require police response, he couldn’t make you move in. You determined to move in. And thereafter you became subject to whatever mood he’d be in, or whatever decision he’d later make. So I’d say yes, be prepared to move out. He may very well be rekindling with his ex. You could consult a lawyer regarding support due to you. But you don’t want to be living in a hostile environment with your child.
Connect with family: You will need some support from your kin, if possible. That way relocating might be easier. You’ll need to figure out temporary accommodations until a more permanent one is found. If family isn’t available, try a trusted friend. I understand that you don’t want to go. But you should take your future into your own hands.
Be careful not to rely too quickly on another partner: Guard your future, and don’t fall into any new trap. I hope you’ll be bold enough to believe in your own ability to create a beautiful life for yourself and your child.
Now, you should want the child’s father to play an active role in raising the child, but be confident that you can create opportunities and experiences for yourself and your child.
For further advice contact me at counsellorscouch.com.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
