Yearning for another woman’s man
Counsellor,
I am a 26-year-old woman writing to you for advice. In 2021 I met a guy; at that point I was in a relationship and we never became friends until 2022 shortly after my relationship ended. I have liked this guy since we first met, but the issue is that he has a girlfriend who he has been with for a long time, and they have kids together, but they have been living apart for years. This guy treats me really nice and I always feel safe when I am around him. I think I am falling for him and I do not know what to do. I have tried not to think about him — sometimes when he texts I take hours and sometimes an entire day to reply, but eventually I do even when I tell myself that I won’t do it.
What do you think I should do?
You have fallen for a guy who may still be in another relationship. Understood. Well, he may still be in another relationship, and that point is critical for guiding your decision. You’ve said he has a girlfriend, so it implies that though they live apart, they’re still together as a couple. If that’s so, you can’t put confidence in a potential relationship with someone who is emotionally committed to someone else. You could be setting yourself up for heartbreak and time wasting.
He has children with this lady, which makes things more challenging. You have to be honest with yourself about his availability. If he’s genuinely not emotionally available to you, then that’s that. Leave them be and pray for their happiness. If he’s undecided and wondering what to do, still step back, and give him room to determine what he wants to do. But try not to be the influence behind his not pursuing a whole family with his girlfriend and children.
Yes, everyone has “needs”, and at times some people are willing to share a partner. That’s where “wifey and side chick” issues come in. But that’s not prudent or healthy. The Bible says, “To avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:2). If someone is taken, do the necessary work to find an “untaken” one.
My advice:
Put yourself in his girlfriend’s shoes: She has children to care for, and not just a desire to satisfy herself. If there’s a slither of a chance for them to be a family, encourage that. You wouldn’t want someone to be working against the stability of your relationship and your children’s well-being. And it is possible that if you start a relationship with him with this “baggage”, he may do the same thing to you with someone else.
Value yourself: If he isn’t able to clearly state that his romantic relationship with the mother of his children is over, then there’s no real room for you. Don’t set yourself up as “what leff”. Sever that. It may not be easy, but it’s necessary. Value yourself and give yourself emotional room to be available for someone else.
Seek your “Isaac”: I use Isaac as a biblical reference — simply meaning, find your own guy. Make an adventure out of finding your Isaac. Travel, locally and overseas, go to new places and spots where people gather with hobbies like your own. Reconsider old flames that may now be available. Hire a matchmaker to find you some prospects. Consider dating apps. Get your Christian friends and the church to pray. Have fun watching and waiting.
There is a huge world with great opportunities out there for you to explore. Don’t get tied up in anything that might not be genuinely for you. I am confident you’ll sort this through, and you’ll have a wonderful story to share later on.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
