Wife regrets cutting her family off
Dear Counsellor,
I got married seven years ago, at a time when I was experiencing some struggles with my family. I resented my parents for gifting what I thought was my inheritance to my siblings to invest, and that caused a lot of bad blood. I totally cut off my family. When I got married I was barely speaking to them, and none of them were invited. My husband encouraged me to “leave and cleave”, and said we could manage on our own. He said his family would help out, but now, two kids later, they are MIA. Meanwhile, I hear that my parents are involved with my siblings’ children, and attend their school events, transport them to and from school, and keep the kids when my siblings need personal time. I, on the other hand, have to struggle alone, with no extended family for support. I can never catch a break, and I am overwhelmed. My husband’s family are not close, and show no interest in my children, and no one has every kept them, wished them happy birthday, or shown an interest in them. My children are estranged from their maternal side. I want to reach out, but I am embarrassed. Can you give some guidance?
Understood. You’ve left your relatives behind to create your own family, but now you realise that you’d still like their support. You’re not alone regarding trying to figure out a proper relationship with in-laws and relatives. It’s a longstanding complication for some couples. Finding a prudent balance for the involvement of parents and siblings isn’t always easy.
Couples getting married should be “leave and cleave” minded. But be clear what that means: The biblical prescription of “leave and cleave” (Genesis 2:24/Matthew 19:5) doesn’t mean to ignore your relatives. It simply means to make a firm commitment to create your own strong family unit, where you both commit to take care of each other. A healthy marriage should have a decent ‘support network’ made up primarily of relatives.
When a bride’s father hands her over to her husband, he must still generally care about her well-being. A groom’s mother is still generally going to care about him, and that’s good. #Balanced interaction is key. Unless your relatives are #toxic, then isolation from them isn’t smart. It’s for reasons like you’ve stated that relatives should be a part of the family dynamic. They’ll provide advice, assistance, and often protection. Yes, it still “takes a village to raise a child”. And the most important part of that village would be their relatives.
Consider this:
Speak to your husband: Let him know how you feel, that you’re disappointed with the distance of relatives. Let him know you’d like to fix the relationship with your siblings and parents. Tell him you’ve made a mistake by cutting them off. The children should have the blessing of their uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents. And you deserve to have their love and support too.
Speak to your in-laws: Try to create a cozy setting for a chat. Maybe invite them over for a Christmas dinner or Boxing Day brunch and share how you feel. Don’t attack them, simply share and hear their response. You’re on a healing mission, so be strategic and patient.
Speak to your relatives: After you’ve chatted with your husband, be bold and brave to go mend things with your kin. Forget embarrassment, forgive, and ask for forgiveness. Maybe turn up at your parents’ house with the kids in hand, a gift, a smile, and the opening words, “We love you”.Humble yourself: Let the children know what the mission is, because you’d done something in error. Life is full of mistakes, the imperative for smart people is the fix.
You’re embarking on a noble mission. You’re building critical support for yourself and your children. I salute you and I pray for your success. For further help reach out to
counsellorscouch.com.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
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