Married man chasing a fantasy
COUNSELLOR, I’ve been married for over a decade, but for the past few months, I’ve been having an affair with a colleague. It started as harmless talk about work stress — now it’s motel rooms, back of the car, secret texts, and adventures that feel more real than my marriage. At home, everything’s flat: no intimacy, no spark, just kids, bills, a messy house, and constant noise. With this other woman, I feel seen, desired and alive. The passion is overwhelming, like I can hardly breathe. I know I’m betraying my wife who’s always been there for me, and the guilt is crushing… but so is the thought of letting this other woman go.
Am I chasing a fantasy, or is this affair revealing something my marriage has long been missing?
You are having an affair, and you want to know if it is fulfilling something your marriage isn’t. Yes, sure, the affair is giving you the thrills and adventures that you’re not getting from your wife. You feel “desired and alive” with this lady, while you feel bored and unseen with your wife. Many readers may identify with that. They may be in the same boat. Both husbands and wives can feel that having an affair is thrilling and satisfying. But, there’s a but…
Outside attention can feel like it is doing what the marriage isn’t. Yes, it can reveal what is absent from your marriage. But whose fault is that? That’s to be determined. You asked if you’re “chasing fantasy”. Let me try to help by sharing a few points. I will include some scriptural, but easily known and accepted social principles:
Familiar things: The Bible notes in 2 Corinthians 12:15, “I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls. If I love you more, am I to be loved less?” The concept: The more someone does because of love, the more their love can be taken for granted. Sad. Familiarity breeds contempt. The “familiar” can seem boring, dull and distasteful. You’ve said your wife “has always been there” for you. The familiar is familiar because it’s been faithful. There’s a weakness in people, displayed by the “turn-off” with what is faithful. Sad. I say to you, and to all couples, don’t destroy what’s faithful. It is your solid foundation. Fire up the passion in your marriage by purposefully figuring out how to constantly show appreciation. DON’T DESPISE A FAITHFUL SPOUSE.
Secret things: The Bible again says in Proverbs 9:17, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant”. Concept: what’s forbidden can seem exciting. Experiencing what’s restricted can offer a thrill. The passion of the, “We shouldn’t be doing this” is quite apparent. But there’s a reason for those restrictions. Infidelity has a steep price. It will often cause excruciating pains later on when the truth comes out — and it will. (Perfume can’t be applied and hidden.) The cost can include loss of a loyal, loving partner, the loss of the respect of your children and the other relatives, the loss of assets and finances, and the loss of your reputation. BE CREATIVE ENOUGH TO BUILD EXCITEMENT INTO YOUR OWN MARRIAGE.
Sown things: Again, the Bible says in Hosea 10:12, “Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap steadfast love…” There is a commonly accepted “law of reciprocity” — what you do comes back to you. Enough people will say “it guh suh”. Consider what harvest truly awaits you if you’re comfortable “sowing” infidelity. A momentary hurt happens to the one cheated on, but good will be in their future. ENSURE YOUR FUTURE IS BRIGHT BY DOING WHAT IS RIGHT.
Monogamy may be tough, but it really is best practice — it is the enlightened way. Loyalty is still virtuous. Give me a call if you’d like further help to figure this out. We will work on finding and filling the “gaps” in your marriage. I pray that irreparable damage hasn’t already been done.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
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