The thrill has gone
Counsellor,
I’m reaching out because I’m struggling with something I can’t deal with on my own. My partner and I have been together for five years, and I want to marry her. Our life together has been pretty much without incident, and full of love, support from our families, and respect. But for the past few months I’ve felt disconnected. The truth is, I love her deeply, but I’m no longer in love with her. There’s no one else, there’s just this rift I can’t explain. The affection is still there, but the passion and emotional closeness have faded. I don’t know if this is something we can work through or if it means the relationship has run its course. Maybe it’s cold feet, I don’t know. But I need guidance on how to handle this with honesty, and without breaking her heart more than I have to.
You feel the passion and closeness that you were accustomed to has faded from your relationship and you want to know what to do. Well yes, feelings can most often fade – and there could be some cold feet. But you are correct to seek advice. A smart interjection is usually the necessary fix. People often think that passion is sustained automatically. But no! It fades naturally and must be sustained intentionally. That’s the actual natural course of romantic relationships – they fade without the fixes.
When a couple “falls in love”, there’s excitement and passion. And when life’s routines, roles and responsibilities continue to hit, that bubble often bursts. “Woman, where did you leave my car keys?!” or “Mister, you’ve left my toilet seat up, and you’ve missed the bowl, again!” Yes, those things can burst a romantic bubble. But some couples have learnt how to be intentional about fixes.
Purposeful and intentional are the watchwords for every couple wanting relational bliss. Your passion can be reignited if you both can be purposeful and intentional about it. You both should learn about #TentPoles. What are tent poles? In this case they are the things you need to do routinely to prop-up the canopy of your love and romance. And they fall into two categories: 1) The scheduled activities and 2) The spontaneous activities.
The scheduled:
•Date nights
•Pre-planned holiday activities
•Birthday activities
•Couple’s seminars, etc.
The spontaneous:
•Weekend road trips
•Midday lunch dates
•Exchange of gifts, etc.
However, you get to choose now if you want to take things further with her. That’s the second most important decision you’ll ever make in life. But make the choice soon, so you don’t waste your time or her time. And if you do choose to marry her, don’t be fickle about maintaining your passion.
Should you go ahead and pop the question, note that the Bible says in Malachi 2:15b, “Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth”. Marriage comes with responsibility to ensure that passion remains throughout. Consider getting good pre-marital counselling. I stand ready to further assist you both.
Consider this: A new car that you might get excited about. You might wash it often and stare at it smiling. Even that car can eventually become boring. You may even become surprised later that you’re struggling not to stare at the neighbour’s shiny new thingy-mobile. That’s how “familiarity” works. What was once very special to us we start to take it for granted. It is important to be disciplined, especially with something as important as love and romance.
Figure this out – discipline remains the proper foundation for life’s delights. You both have an opportunity. You can become adventurous together, challenge yourselves to explore together, start new projects together, travel to new places together, if you are indeed planning to do life together. You really could find that the love of your life is still right there. Feel free to contact me for further assistance at chrisbrodber@yahoo.com.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
