‘Married single mother’ refuses to have more kids
COUNSELLOR, I’ve been married for three years and we have one child. Before the marriage, we agreed on three children. However, I’m what you’d call a ‘married single mother’, in that my husband doesn’t help me at all with our son. It’s so bad that the other day I had to work, and asked him to take our son to work with him, and he said it would be too hard, despite the fact that our usual babysitter was unavailable. He eventually took our son, but called me every minute of the day to complain. I do all the housework, and picking up and dropping off from school, and basically everything, while my husband provides half of the household expenses. Yes, he still expects me to go 50-50 with the finances! Now he says we should have another child, because one child “a nuh pickney”. I refuse to have another, and it’s causing tension. Should I just divorce him, since I’m basically a single mom anyway? I’d rather leave than get pregnant again.
You are justified to feel that the present context doesn’t warrant expanding the family. Yes, there might have been an initial agreement of “three children”, but he has apparently reneged on what would have been the original arrangement. You expected joint parenting and responsibility for those children when you made the agreement. It is quite plausible to think that as it now goes with the one, so will it go with the others.
His minimal participation with your son is a sort of breach of contract. You rightly should continue to object to expanding the family until he plays a more active parenting role. I do not suggest that you divorce him. You can’t quit the marriage before giving ample effort and opportunity for readjustment. No child comes with a manual, give your husband a chance to learn and change. Yes, not every adult is mature or responsible. But everyone should be given an opportunity to learn and grow. It seems your husband needs to understand how he’s falling short and understand how you feel.
It does sound as though he’s really not ready for more children. There’s a saying you may have heard, “It takes a village to raise a child”. A child requires the support and active attention of not just parents, but even a community (aka, a village). Children require interaction and active engagement in order to develop in a healthy way. They require this mostly from parents, but also their community.
The Bible gives guidance for parenting. It tells fathers in Ephesians 6:4, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” This verse has potent instructions, including instructing fathers to participate in the bringing up/raising of their children. It also instructs fathers not to “provoke” their children to “wrath”. Many fathers do just that through abandonment, neglect, abuse, and a lack of general support for their children.
You are not a single mother! You are a mother requiring more participation from your spouse. Do what’s necessary to engage your husband adequately. You said he took your son to work with him, that’s some active participation. It may not be much, but it’s something. Recognise, celebrate and encourage more activity. Give him more responsibilities. Be creative to get him involved. While your son is still young, your husband has the opportunity to learn how to care for a child, especially if he ever wants more children. Give him an ultimatum: Learn or do without others!
I recommend you both schedule counselling. Life isn’t easy, and everyone needs advice and help. I pray that you both will actively love and raise your son well, and thereafter discuss what comes next.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
