5 things you can do to get a man to stop comparing you to his momma
THERE’S nothing quite as frustrating, or hurtful, as feeling like no matter what you do, you can’t measure up to the woman who raised the man in your life. I’ve sat with countless women who told me they feel like they’re constantly being compared to his momma: her cooking, her household ways, her patience, or even how she dresses.
Having had a previous partner tell me, “My mother would never do that!” and having listened to many stories, I’ve learned that comparisons are often more about him than you. Many men grow up with deep admiration for their mothers — and yes, some love her cooking, her style, or her spoiling him, But that doesn’t mean they don’t value and appreciate their wife. The key is learning to navigate this delicate dynamic without feeling like you are sadly lacking as a woman.
Here are five things you can do to stop being constantly compared to his momma and strengthen your relationship in the process.
Understand the root of the comparison
Before you react, pause and consider why the comparison is happening. Often, it’s not because he loves you any less. Many men grew up in households where mom was the standard for care, nurturing, and provision. He may be trying to honour her legacy while adjusting to married life. Understanding this allows you to approach the situation with empathy instead of defensiveness. Take a moment to really do some self reflection and see if there’s any truth to some of what he’s saying? Are there some things you could do better? If yes, do them.
Celebrate what you bring to the table
Comparison often leaves women feeling insecure. But remember, you are not your mother-in-law. You are a unique partner with your own strengths. Whether it’s your career, your sense of humour, your creativity, or the way you show love, these are things he can’t get anywhere else. Highlight your contributions, not to compete, but to assert your value. When he sees how your gifts complement his life, he will begin to appreciate you in your own right.
Set gentle boundaries around mom-related comparisons
It’s okay to lovingly and respectfully set boundaries when he starts comparing you. You might say something like, “I know you love your mother’s cooking, and I respect that. I’m bringing my own style to our home, I need to be able to do that and I hope you can appreciate it too”. Boundaries are not about shutting him down, they’re about creating space to hear him out while asserting your individuality and ensuring that you are valued for who you are, not as a replica of his mom. When responding to him use “I” statements not “You” statements that will make him feel like you are accusing him. For example, say “I feel a bit hurt when you say things like that’, rather than “You are always making me feel bad”.
Invite collaboration instead of competition
Sometimes the “mom vs wife” dynamic is unnecessary stress for everyone. Why not have him invite his mother over and give her room to show you a few things? Cook together for the family, show appreciation and real interest in what she’s doing. Sometimes you can even call her and ask (even if you already know, LOL) how something is done. Collaboration builds a bond and helps shift the narrative from comparison to teamwork. Not only will it lighten the emotional load, but it also builds intimacy and shows that you are both on the same team.
Reinforce your own standards and self-worth
At the end of the day, a man’s comparisons often stem from habit, nostalgia, or cultural expectations, not a reflection of your worth. Confidence is the antidote. Know that you deserve respect and love for who you are. Stand firm in your values, talents, and style. When you present yourself with self-assurance, he is far more likely to stop making unfair comparisons.
Remember, comparisons are a habit, not a verdict. With grace, wisdom, and intentionality, you can transform your marriage into a space where both of you feel valued, respected, and appreciated, without the constant shadow of momma. If your partner has a habit of comparing you to his mom and you’re struggling to handle the situation, try these tips. You can also connect with me on my coaching website www.marieberbickcoach.com. We can work through it together.
Marie Berbick-Bailey is a certified master life coach, women’s resilience coach, ordained minister, author, motivational speaker, wife, mother and big sister dedicated to empowering women to heal, thrive, and walk in purpose. Connect with her at www.marieberbick.com, www.marieberbickcoach.com, or e-mail marieberbick@gmail.com.
Marie Berbick Bailey .
