Not tonight, love

LET’S be honest, if a woman says “I’m not in the mood tonight”, most people would nod in understanding. Stress, tiredness and hormones are all perfectly acceptable excuses. But if a man dares to utter the same words, suddenly, alarms go off, and his wife is either penning think pieces to a marriage counsellor, or spilling the dirt on Tik Tok about the state of her sexless marriage. “What’s wrong with him? Is he seeing someone else? Is he less of a man?”

Men have been carrying around a centuries-old script of the always-ready, always-willing, fire-breathing stallion. Society has convinced women that “real men” want sex 24/7, no questions asked. Desire, we’re told, is their natural state, much like breathing or checking football scores.

But the truth is, men are human. And humans get tired. They stress about bills, work deadlines, fatherhood and the future. Sometimes they’re battling health issues. Sometimes they just want to watch a movie in peace without having to perform like an Olympic athlete under the sheets.

The problem is, men are rarely given permission to admit this. The cultural shame runs deep. But if our women are going to be taking the business outside, it’s full time that we push back. Low desire in men is treated as a red flag for weakness or infidelity, when in reality it could be anything from anxiety to plain exhaustion. Meanwhile, women are left confused and men are left silent, pretending they’re fine while secretly panicking.

We need to normalise the idea that men’s sexuality is not a light switch permanently stuck in the “on” position. Just as women want their emotional and physical rhythms respected, men deserve the same understanding.

And let’s flip it. If men could actually say, “Not tonight, I’m exhausted”, without fear of judgement, relationships might be healthier. Partners could focus on intimacy in other ways like talking, cuddling and laughing instead of making sex the sole measure of closeness.

So can men admit to low desire without shame? They should be able to. Turn your mind away from the idea of the tireless macho machine and toward seeing men as full people with highs, lows and yes, occasional headaches too.

Until then, guys will keep faking sleep or even faking interest just to escape the pressure. And maybe the bravest thing a man can do in 2025 is to look his partner in the eye and say, with honesty and love, “Baby, not tonight”, and that will be okay.

Jevaughnie Smith is a communications professional. Send feedback to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.