Church causing wife to lose her groove
Counsellor,
My wife had been a member of a decently liberal church for years, and recently she and a group of other people left, because of dissatisfaction with the newly appointed pastor. I am baptised, but don’t regularly attend any church. Anyway, she’s been going to a new church of mainly women, and she came home and said she’s no longer comfortable doing certain things in the marriage, as the Lord wouldn’t be pleased. She was quite open and exciting before, but now she no longer shaves, no longer dresses nicely, no longer does her hair, and has taken to wearing natural everything, including deodorant. And worse of all, she says we can only sleep together twice per week, certain matrimonial activities are off limits, and we definitely have to refrain from activities at certain times of the month. I’ve told her that all this is extreme, but she believes this is the only way to please God and get to heaven. How do I get my wife back?
Your wife has adopted new practices because of a new church fellowship and it’s frustrating you. Understood. It seems your wife is in breach of the “contract”. When a couple exchanges marital vows it’s generally with the understanding that the person they’re marrying will remain the same throughout the marriage except in extraordinary, unpreventable circumstances — thus the reason for the typical vows, “For better or worse, rich or poorer…etc”).
It is unfortunate that some people think infidelity (having an affair) is the only form of cheating done by a spouse. Not so. You can be “cheating” your spouse out of communication, sex, romance, care, etc. It’s a breach of contract if it’s not what was agreed upon and expected at the time of marriage. That’s why the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (ESV), “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband… do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
If there’s unilateral radical change in your spouse, that is tantamount to cheating you. Husbands and wives must remember, whether it is your faith, your figure, your fashion, your fun, etc, your posture should generally remain the same. This is why some marriages have issues — because one person adopts radical new beliefs, radical weight change, grooming changes, etc. While progressive change is good, communication, clarity, and compromise are an imperative if you’re married.
My advice:
Speak to your wife: Take her to dinner or somewhere nice and then let her know that you love her, but you feel she is putting the marriage in jeopardy. Remind her that genuine Christian faith strengthens marriage, not takes away from it or destroys it. Remind her God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). So the health of your marriage must be a priority.
Prepare to compromise: You don’t want your wife to feel stifled without room to pursue a passion. Prepare to give her some slack to make some changes. Let her see you’re trying to cooperate and compromise, while ensuring the health of your relationship.
Check your spirituality: If you started the marriage actively living out your faith, and you have faltered, then it may be you who first changed. Consider becoming vibrant again. Is it possible she feels you’ve backslidden from the man she first married and therefore is pressing into her spiritual walk alone?
Consider counselling: The situation can be a challenging one indeed. You may need some assistance working this through. Feel free to reach out for further help.
I pray that you both find synergy again.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
