Fiancé lacks ambition
Counsellor,
My fiancé and I are getting married next year, and he says he wants to quit his current job and invest in a business venture, as he doesn’t want to work for anyone. He doesn’t really own anything for himself, and hasn’t acquired anything, even though he has been working for several years. No house, no car, no furniture, even though he is 35 years old. Everything he has, has been hand-me-downs from his family. He says I am supposed to help him build, but I don’t believe in building with a man, especially one who seems like he doesn’t have much ambition. Should I just call off the wedding and seek someone who’s more ambitious?
Your fiancé’s general attitude toward financial security is making you uncomfortable and you want to know what to do. Understood. Yes, this situation is red flag-ish. Let me hasten to say, marriage only works for those who are skilled in: 1) Mutual respect, 2) Communication and 3) Compromise. A couple must nail these down if a marriage is ever to succeed. You both would have to be able to sit down together respectfully and find synergy for your future plans.
Understand that a “relationship” is based on actively and effectively “relating” to each other — relate-tion-ship. A marriage isn’t held together solely by “butterflies in the belly”. It is held together by deep interest in each other, and the ability to relate (ie, understand and react favourably) to each other. If you don’t have that going on, then there’s a problem, and you don’t have much of a relationship. If you don’t believe in “building with a man”, and your fiancé is fully expecting you to help him build, then you both have not been communicating and relating well. #Problem
Yes, you both have work to do and important choices to make. But before you get into the issues of who has what, or job leaving, or business starting, the work ahead of you is simply to learn how to communicate well. Especially if you intend to go forward — talk to each other and plan together, with clarity and excitement. If that isn’t working, then nothing else will. If this basic skill isn’t coming together, then make the smart choice — yes, pause the wedding plans.
My advice:
Speak to your fiancé: Tell him clearly what you’re expecting from him as a husband and partner. Humbly express your concerns and see if you can find consensus around plans. He’s apparently overlooking what is practical and needs a reminder. It is indeed important to have stability going into a marriage. Bearing the risks and uncertainties of doing a new business, and leaving his job, doesn’t seem prudent. If somehow you do find that there is viability in his business plan, and you are willing to take the risk together, then fine. Whatever you decide, it must be done together. Succeed or fail together. You both have to agree on the details and risks before you sign up to become permanent partners. Regarding his “hand-me-downs”, maybe he’s being an avid saver?!
Check yourself: Whoever or whenever you marry, your marriage will have to be about mutual support, working together and building together. Know that every man needs respect and emotional support from his wife. But if you don’t think your fiancé is ambitious, how did he become your fiancé?! You don’t sound as if you esteem him. Do you respect and like him? Check your heart. Are you in love? If you really are, then do the work to try to fix things.
Book a counselling session: It seems you both need help to clarify expectations and find synergy. Premarital counselling will certainly be imperative if you plan to go forward. I’d be happy to take you both through the necessary exercises and equip you both with useful tools.
If you both can’t find synergy, then you really can’t go forward. I do pray that you both can acquire the necessary skills to have a happy and healthy relationship, whether together or with someone else.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
