Love on life support
Counsellor,
I have been married 14 years to a man who is 20 years my senior. At first it was good, as he’s a good provider and didn’t want children, so that was good with me, as I’ve never wanted them either. The problem now is that he has a lot of health problems, and while I understand the concept of ‘through sickness and health’, I am still resentful. Not only is he unwilling to change his lifestyle habits so he is healthier, he is also performing very poorly in the bedroom, and I can just see it getting worse. I am only 35 years old, and I don’t think he’s too old yet, to be facing these problems. Lots of men are still healthy, active and virile well into their 70s. He’s just cruising along, but this is not the life I envisioned. What do you think?
You married an older man and the dynamics of this is showing up now, and you’re perturbed. Understood. There’s often some trade-off situation that we end up having to choose in life. That’s our reality in this broken world. I understand your frustration, but be encouraged. You must have understood that there was a trade-off you were making. You accepted an age-gap for financial security and his maturity. You’ve said that he’s been a good provider. So, you’ve enjoyed financial security. You’ve also enjoyed that he didn’t want children. That gave you some freedom and the compatibility that you wanted. Great!
Don’t be overwhelmed now because of the other end of the deal. A healthy and happy life also requires you to adopt balance and prudence. Balance teaches contentment and prudence teaches appreciation, despite ambition. You’ve experienced good, probably happy stable times with him. You’ve alluded to that. You shouldn’t now be resentful of him. I am interested to know what lifestyle changes you’re requiring. If it’s eating right, exercising and getting adequate rest, yes, that’s wise. Keep carefully encouraging!
Yet some challenges will come with age. You married him when you were 21 years old, and he was 41. Health changes and challenges typically do come with age. Energy variance will come. Sex drives will change. Some things you’ll just need to accept and manage. And some things be very strategic about, in order to assist him. Resentment won’t help either of you.
I suggest:
1) Create a plan to be happy, while you deal with this reality: Remember, seasons naturally change, don’t be angry, be prepared. Plan to grow and learn. Regarding his performance in bed, try to “help yourself”, to make those rendezvous better for you. If you have the energy, do the work. Ensure you’re satisfied – be creative with him. I’m not sure what his “health problems” are, but be creative while you try to get him some help.
2) Come to terms with the facts: It’s not the worst of situations. You can still try to entice him and excite him. Maturity is finding compromise. Love him as he is, not as you’d hope him to be. That can help him become more of what you’d like to see.
3) Do not criticise him: That’s not helpful and he doesn’t deserve to be resented, especially if he’s been faithful and caring – that should count that for something. The life you envisioned is still possible, but it must still be earned through respect and patience. Happily ever after only happens by making smart choices one day at a time.
4) Speak to a doctor: There may be medication or supplements that can help him.
5) Maintain a positive perspective: You don’t have the challenge of poverty, a cheating, imprisoned or comatose husband. There’s still an opportunity for the rest of your life to be the best of your life! Many women have navigated the very same situation. You can too.
I pray for wisdom for you both. May the dynamic of his maturity and your youthfulness excite you both again.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
