Embracing his softer side
COUNSELLOR, The first time I’ve ever seen my husband cry was after the hurricane when we went to look for family in Manchester. He said he felt overwhelmed, as his childhood home was extensively damaged, and everyone is relying on him to help build back. I welcomed this new, softer side to him, and made him know that it was okay to be vulnerable. What are some recommendations for moving forward, and how I, as his wife, can encourage him that it’s ok to be vulnerable and not be so tough all the time?
You’ve seen your husband in tears, after he felt overwhelmed. You appreciate that he showed sensitivity, and you want him to be at ease with being vulnerable. Understood. It’s an important moment for you both as a couple. But make sure not to make his vulnerability into an issue of your preferences. Yes, there’s a lesson in the situation for him, but not now. Make sure to give him your support at this time. Later you can discuss what you appreciate about his “softer side”.
It’s often not easy for men to show a softer side. And that’s because it is often ridiculed or questioned when they do. It’s also often thought to be a weakness. So men are often careful about how much emotion they show. They often fear being called too emotional. This is why it’s imperative that wives act prudently if their husbands dare to become emotional. Allow them the space and the grace to be sensitive. Try to focus on the issue they’re facing, and not the emotion or the expression.
Jamaica has been gut-punched by the hurricane. Many people are feeling dispirited and truly overwhelmed. But Jamaicans must take heart, knowing that there is an opportunity for great development and growth in this moment. There is an opportunity for new levels of community cohesion, national unity and development. Our good God can take our broken pieces and turn them into great blessings. Even as you’ve said, your husband was broken by the situation, but there’s a beautiful opportunity for you both as a couple in this moment.
Faith proves powerful in earthquakes, hurricanes, etc, because genuine Christian faith produces deep optimism and hope. Faith in our good God, who declares that He is, “A very present help in the time of trouble” – Psalm 46:1, lifts the spirit. Faith makes us face the darkness boldly, confident in the light of dawn. It gives us the energy to rebuild gladly and diligently. Reassure your husband that the Eternal Father, to whom we sing in our anthem, He will help us, and He will again bless our land.
My advice:
Speak to your husband: Tell him not to be afraid to ask for help with rebuilding his childhood home. Tell him to ask for help from his friends, church, charities, Government, etc. Help is being poured out from many quarters, including from overseas. Ensure he lays aside pride and accepts help. Let him know there’s opportunity in the tragedy. Possibly lifelong friendships are being formed at this moment, all from the tragic situation. Who knows what relationships will be made, or strengthened, for you and your family from this.
Be prudent: Remember, he needs your support. If he’s been vulnerable, it’s a demonstration that he needs comforting. Be careful not to shift to a discussion on what you need right now, regarding a “softer husband”. Focus first on giving him what he needs. At some other point you can mention that you enjoy being there for him when he’s in need of support. Once he sees that you can deal maturely with his being vulnerable, then he’ll feel safe being vulnerable more frequently. That’s how you’ll encourage him to “not be so tough all the time”. Also, help him figure out how to assist his family.
Yes, men need to know that it’s okay not to be okay. Just don’t stay un-okay: ask for help. And women need to know to allow men to not be okay. I pray that your relationship will grow, even at this difficult time.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
