Pressured to produce children
Counsellor,
My wife and I have been married for six years, and friends and family have been asking when we plan to have kids. The problem is that healthwise, I am the one with the problem (I can’t give her kids), and my wife and I have talked about it, and she is OK with us never having children. But the pressure from outside is intense, to the point where some of my family members are even blaming my wife, saying she’s selfish. How can we even begin this discussion with them, without me getting people too much into our personal business? My wife has two children from her previous relationships.
Your relatives and friends are pressuring you and your wife about having children. You are not able to have children, and you want to know how to respond to them. Understood. Well, you certainly need to rein them in, in order to protect your wife, especially since your relatives are pointing fingers at her. You can’t allow her to be attacked by anyone, much less your relatives. Protect your wife from your relatives!
I remind husbands, make your wives a priority above your relatives. Your wife (and children if you have), are your family. Others are basically relatives. You cannot allow your wife to feel like she’s exposed to verbal onslaughts from your family members, no matter who they are. Defend your spouse from your mother, or father, or sister. And of course, protect her from your friends. Tell the truth… let them know to “Stop it! She has children. And no, she’s not being selfish.” If your wife doesn’t feel you’re a protector and she feels unsafe, expect bigger problems in your marriage. Women need security!
There should be no problem silencing the crowd with the truth. Give them a simple truthful statement and then shut down any further inquiry.
My advice:
Watch out for The Wedge: Insulate your home from what I call “The Wedge”. That’s the sayings and actions of family and friends that (knowingly or unknowingly) create a divide between you and your spouse. Don’t allow anyone’s issues to create an issue in your marriage. People’s insecurities can threaten a happy home. Both of you have to be mature enough to ‘baby and bathwater’ whatever is said to you.
Speak to your wife: Apologise to her if she’s felt accused and pressured. Apologise if she feels you haven’t been there for her. Tell her you’ll do better in protecting her from those statements and queries of your friends and family. She’s been loyal enough to you to not say anything in her own defence. Be loyal too. Do everything to defend her from any pressure. Tell her what the plan will be. Maybe tell her, “We’ll let them know that we’re happy the way our family is. And yes, I am the one that can’t have children”.
Speak to your relatives: Ask them to stop pressuring you both. Tell them the truth, “We are happy the way we are. And, by the way, I had been told I can’t have any children. So please, stop pressuring us.” Give them that simple statement. For mother, father, siblings, etc. You might want to go deeper if your parents are worried about your health.
Speak to your friends: Tell them the truth too. And tell them to stop pressuring you also. Give them the one rehearsed statement. “We are happy the way our family is. And I personally can’t have children.” If any other questions come up on the matter, tell them firmly, “Drop it!”
Be encouraged: You have nothing to feel ashamed of or intimidated by. It’s fine not to have children. Several couples do not. And you have two stepchildren. Also, if you both change your minds later on you can always consider adoption.
I pray that the rest of your lives will be the best of your lives.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
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