Walking away

Counsellor,

I have been in a relationship with this man for nine and a half years, and I have finally decided to walk away after years of trying. I am independent, I own my own home, and I have a stable job.

In 2018, I purchased a 2002 seven-seater vehicle and placed it in the taxi business with the intention of building something together. Unfortunately, he wasted time and showed no real commitment. Over the years, he cheated on me repeatedly with different women, including one woman who has always remained in the background.

A few years ago, I reached my breaking point and ended the relationship. He begged me to take him back, and his mother also pleaded on his behalf. Against my better judgment, I gave him another chance with one clear ultimatum: if he betrayed me again, we would be done for good.

Despite the taxi being mine, he only operates it on Saturdays, and I receive very little from it. I continue to do everything on my own. Every discussion about money turns into an argument. He comes home expecting me to fulfil all the responsibilities of a woman, yet I receive no emotional, financial, or practical support in return. Over time, I became withdrawn because my needs were constantly ignored.

There were many occasions when he left me stranded at night, forcing me to find my own way home or walk for nearly an hour, while he was out elsewhere without any concern for my safety.

Now he is suggesting that we get a newer vehicle and that I should drive the taxi until it is sold. I told him I am done and reminded him of all the times I stood at taxi stands or walked home because transportation was unreliable. I eventually bought myself a personal vehicle, and instead of being supportive, he criticised me for not buying a newer one—claiming he now feels “motivated” to work.

I have since discovered that he is still cheating with the same woman. Instead of taking responsibility, he blames me, saying I neglected him and that he continued cheating with the same person “out of respect” for me, claiming desperation as his excuse.

I made it clear to him that cheating is a choice. I have been desperate for years—waiting for him to step up, to be a man, and to honour our relationship. Yet, despite my loneliness and disappointment, I never stepped outside the relationship.

He now wants me back, but I have told him repeatedly that it will never happen. I stayed far longer than I should have, and I refuse to betray myself any longer. Sometimes I feel like giving up.  Please advise me.

You have been in a relationship with an unfaithful partner, and you want to know what to do. Absolutely. You are correct! If you returned, it would beg the question: Where is your self-respect? Where is your self-esteem? Where is your self-confidence? Yes, you’d be betraying yourself! Nobody can fault you for slamming the door shut now. It sounds like you have absolutely tried to salvage things, beyond reason.

Forgiveness is virtuous, but ignorance is not. Forgive and restore a relationship when repentance is genuine. What you’ve described doesn’t sound like repentance has been genuine. It doesn’t seem there was truly an attempt at changed behaviour. And there doesn’t seem to be much room for a “misunderstanding” here. If he’s been unfaithful on several occasions, then he’s the one that has already chosen.

The Bible says if someone apologises for misdeeds 70 times seven times, we should forgive them (see Matthew 18: 21-22). But that’s on condition of their genuine repentance. And remember, repentance means “demonstrating a real effort to change their behaviour”. He has justified his continued infidelity. And you seem to have evidence he will not change his behaviour. And, by the way, you can forgive him without absolute reconciliation.

Go with your conscience on this. I am confident your conscience has told you that your position is correct. A business saying comes to mind: “Don’t throw good money after bad money”. It means don’t invest further into something that has already cost you lots of resources and has not yielded any anticipated returns. You have invested, and it seems you aren’t getting any quality return.

Remember, if you are in a relationship and the other party is not being faithful, it puts you at risk — your health, your wealth, your peace, your future, etc. 1 Corinthians 13:4 (ESV) says, “Love is patient and kind…” So if you love someone, yes, be patient with them and kind towards them. But it doesn’t mean you have to sustain an intimate relationship with them. You can love them, wanting the best for them from a safe distance.

I have said to many individuals, “Let no one own your soul but God”. That means do not let your future be determined by someone else’s desires or deeds. What they choose to do must not destroy you. So I pray that you will launch into your opportunity-filled future with faith, and I pray that he will find peace and stability in his own new future.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.